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Stream of Consciousness, Episode 6.06

The Eye

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

 

So, this ramble is about the show—but I can’t help but bring pieces of me into it because this show snags pieces of me as it rolls along and I’m left to trip over myself as I try to put myself back together again. I think perhaps some of you feel the same way.

There are two ways I could look at this episode. One—as a piece of a larger plot that is unrolling around us like a ball of steel-studded yarn. Or two—as the journey of characters (one in particular) that have literally gone to Hell and back and have taken me with them. The first I can look at almost clinically—a critique as if from a book club. The second has the ability to drive me to my knees. And I’m only being a little dramatic.

A good friend hit me with an email just after the episode ended that helped bring things a bit into perspective. “Vamps with souls…hunters without souls…such is the stuff of our television obsessions.” *laugh* Thanks for that one, Ash.

A couple weeks back, I finished writing a story where I attempted to explore what truly made us human. Our senses? The ability to touch, see, hear, affect, interact with each other? Our souls? If we had nothing left that allowed us to connect with each other and yet held tight to our soul, were we still human? The answer in my story was yes. And I see that, at least on some level, I was in line with the writers’ thinking here. Without your soul, you are not truly human. You are alive, you can do, see, hear…apparently feel physical pain and even fear on some level…but none of that matters. Because…nothing matters to you. Even telling the truth.

Last week I referenced Angel (I mean…we were talking about vampires…how could I not) and a comment to the ramble reminded me of how different Angel was as Angelus—without his soul. He was…cold, calculating, cruel, heartless. But as Angel…he was someone you could fall in love with.

Extraordinary, really.

Okay, so…I will attempt to be coherent with this ramble, but I should warn you…I’m a little tangled up about a few things that transpired—none of them involving Sam’s confession.

We start out in a restaurant in Calumet City, IL. A pretty blonde waitress is on the phone with someone and doing the day-after-boy-encounter thing where she’s debating if she should call him or not. We hone in on her mouth as she says, “I just need the truth.”

Next thing you know, people are handing it to her hand over fist—but it’s all incredibly cruel truth. The kind you fear people are thinking about you when you’re at your most insecure. I honestly think that people don’t think about me half as much as I fear they do—I second guess just about everything I say or do and I worry that people talk about me when I’m gone because I’ve made such a fool of myself…but in reality? The moment I stop talking or leave the room…they move on to other things. People are too busy worrying about everything that’s causing them issues in their own lives, y’know?

But such is not the case for our poor waitress.

The cook looks at the waitress and says, “I pity you…and stay away from the clam chowder. I flavored it with my own seasoning.”

Gag. I may never eat again.

A male waiter tells her that the new girl is way hotter than she is. An old lady customer confesses that she once ran over a homeless man and never even stopped to see if he was alive. It’s all negative—and not all of it is about waitress girl, but it’s all horrifying none-the-less. I couldn’t help but wince at this—is this what is poised at the tip of everyone’s mind? Is this the kind of truth that we are all compelled to say? The worst in us?

I choose to believe no. I choose to believe it was a byproduct of Veritas’ curse to speed up time to getting her tribute. But I spent a good portion of the beginning of this episode with my face fisted in a frown.

Waitress girl calls someone on the phone—we later learn it was her sister—and is tearful, asks to be picked up because she thinks she’s freaking out.

The voice on the other end of the phone says, “You are a freak…every time the phone rings my stomach drops…why don’t you just kill yourself already?”

*blinks*

I’ve felt that ‘stomach drop’ sensation with some people in my life—they always have the same issues, there’s never anything I say or do that helps them…. But to think ‘just kill yourself’? *shudders* Who does that??

However, waitress girl does. She gets a pistol out of some drawer there in the restaurant and blows her brains out all over the “BIGgersons: The Happy Place” sign.

Aside—Biggersons sounded/looked familiar. Was that the same place where they boys won that 1 millionth customer or whatever thing in Bad Day At Black Rock? I’m probably crazy, but it totally looked like the same sign the boys had to hold up with the picture in that episode.

Okay! Moving on!

We’re out on some grassy knoll somewhere and Sam’s at a food vendor while Dean’s off a bit from him and on the phone with Bobby. He’s obviously agitated, shoulders hunched in, body signaling that he’s upset. He’s told Bobby about Sam watching him get turned into a vampire and says, “It’s not my brother.” It’s. That’s more telling than anything.

Bobby says that they tested Sam with everything when he got back from Hell and he passed. Dean thinks “it’s” Lucifer, but Cas isn’t answering his calls and Dean can’t wait anymore. Bobby tries to calm him down saying, “I know you’re rattled, but let’s be professional.”

Dean: He watched me get turned!

Bobby points out that what Dean knows and what he can prove aren’t the same thing. And this is totally an aside, but have you ever noticed how Bobby always has dishes in the sink and a pot or pan on the stove? I think that’s kinda funny actually. He’s either always cooking, always eating, or just never has time to fully do the dishes. Annnnyyway.

Dean: We’re talking about doing something and doing it fast. It’s not just the vamp. He’s been different from the jump.

Bobby: All right, I’m with you.

Dean: Are you?

It’s a good question, really. I mean…I look at this like Dean losing time. For a year he stepped away. From Bobby, from hunting, from everything. Then he finds out Sam’s alive and his old life rushes back in and it’s all the same except…everything’s changed. He got right away that Sam was different—yet Bobby had been around Sam and wasn’t unduly triggered. He tested him, figured that if he passed the test, he was good to go, and let everything else slide.

So, Dean pushing the issue now has to either awaken a latent realization in Bobby or tweak doubts in Dean that Bobby’s really serious.

Bobby: I’ll hit the books hard. Just don’t shoot him. Watch him. If it’s not Sam, we gotta put him down and we need to figure out how.

Dean: I don’t even want to ride in the car with him, let alone work a case.

Bobby (in a very pull up your big boy pants, ya baby tone): Get in the car. HE’S your case.

Yeah, no kidding. Sam’s been the case since the premiere. We may be actually seeing more of Dean right now, but this whole story is about Sam. I might get skewered for this, and if the roles were reversed, I might be a little put-out that I was seeing more things from Sam’s POV, but the thing is, this entire arch is about Sam. What happened to him? How did he get out? WHY is he out? Can he be saved? Does he want to be saved? Is he ever going to be SAM again? We just have to see it through Dean’s eyes because if we saw too much from Sam’s…we’d know the whole story and there would be nothing to tease out over the course of a season.

Plus, and this is probably just the DeanGirl in me talking, so take this for what you will, it’s intriguing to see what’s going on with Sam via the portal that is Dean. To see how Sam’s choices and actions—or inactions, as the case may be—are affecting Dean and how Dean is reacting to it. Because it makes it that much more…painful, I guess.

If I didn’t see that? If I didn’t see the gut-check moments of lost breath and the wounded-eye glances from Dean? I honestly don’t know that I’d care that much about Sam’s fate because of the way he’s behaving and the fact that up until the last five minutes of this episode, he chose not to let anyone in on his Big Secret. But, because I do see it, well, I do care.

I care a lot more than I thought I would.

Sam shows up as Dean is hanging up the phone and startles him. Dean lies all over the place about how he was leaving Lisa a message and Sam—who is so revved up about a new case he’s practically bouncing on his toes—is like, “She hasn’t called you back, huh? Sucks. You okay?”

Dean (sizing Sam up as if he might blow up in front of him): Yeah. How are you?

Sam says he’s fine as if it’s strange Dean would even ask such a thing and plows on into the paper he has in his hands (along with food for Dean) about a 4th tragic suicide (waitress girl). He’s all, Let’s Go! So…they go.

In Calumet City, the boys are suited up and interviewing blonde waitress’s sister who wants to know why Feds would be investigating a suicide. Good question.

Sam (with this really odd, forced-sympathetic expression on his face): It’s a new…more caring…administration.

Heh. There’s the subtle political barbs I’ve not heard for a bit. *chuckles*

Sam’s totally creeping both me and the sister out as he snarls at her that she has a tell—tucking her hair behind her ears—and he knows she’s lying.

Sam (demanding): Tell us what you did to your sister.

He’s kinda half snarling at her. Dean’s watching from behind the sister, keeping his face carefully expressionless. He’s been wandering around the house, looking at pictures and such while Sam’s doing the interview and now it seems he’s regretting that decision. He catches Sam’s eye and shoots him A Look. Sam shakes him off with his eyes, and the sister suddenly admits that she was lying and Sam looks at Dean all Told You So…but it’s not victorious it’s more…sinister.

*shudders*

Sister (crying): I wanted to tell her I love you and I’m here for you and what came out was you’re a burden, just kill yourself.

Sam’s expression is wickedly triumphant and my stomach actually churned. I’m always eager to praise Jensen for the way he plays Dean—he conveys entire paragraphs of dialog in a glance. But Jared as this version of Sam is compelling more of a reaction in me than he has since…gah…Season 3? It’s a completely different kind of reaction—with Dean, I want to crawl inside the screen and get closer. With Sam, I want to move away from the screen. I hold my pillow as protection. But—recoiling from him is 100 times better than not reacting to him at all. So kudos to Jared for the way he’s slipping on a different skin.

The boys leave the house and Dean says that he didn’t see hex bags or pick up EMF or anything. Sam reports that he found a tuba and a copy of Crochet Today.

Sam: So, what? Already suicidal?

Dean: Right and Big Sis’ Taxicab Confession sends her over the edge. The question is, what made Big Sis open her big mouth in the first place?

Dean tosses Sam an anxious look as he gets in the car. Sam…totally misses it. He’s focused on the case.

Okay, so, the next scene was one of the most disturbing ones for me since Sherriff Mills’ zombified boy killed and ate his father. We’re at the dentist’s office and a grown man is in the chair saying he really doesn’t want to be there. Who does, really? Dentist is all, “It’s fine, blah blah blah” and we get the joy of watching him inject Novocain (or whatever they use these days) into his gums.

Or, rather, you all did. The minute that needle approached the dude’s mouth I had to look away. Disturbing thing number one. They exchange some chit-chat, and I realize now looking back that the dentist must’ve said something about telling him the truth (though I missed it at the time because I was being a total wuss about the needle in the gums) and the dude in the chair suddenly starts True Confessions Of A Perverted Middle-Aged Suburbanite.

He starts saying his wife is too old and her sagging skin makes him sick. The dentist is all, WTH dude, and picks up his drill. THEN the dude tells the dentist that he molested the dentist’s daughter when she was over one night spending the night with his daughter—only it’s done really subtly so that at first you’re like, wait, what did he just say, but the sick pleasure on the dude’s face forces the realization and then he says the best part was that he didn’t get caught. Disturbing thing number two. My whole being heated up with impotent rage at that confession.

The dentist listens with his own growing rage and the moment the dude brags about getting away with it, well…Death By Dentil Drill. Bloody, gross and…well, come to think of it…not as disturbing in retrospect as I first thought. Too nice a death, you ask me.

Back at the motel, Dean’s alone and on the phone with Bobby—who is telling him that he can’t find anything. Nothing fits a “my brother is acting different” scenario. Dean pushes that they have to figure something out fast. He’s sitting on the edge of one of the beds sipping a beer.

Bobby: There is a worst-case scenario.

Dean: Satan is my co-pilot?

Bobby: That’d be the other worst-case scenario.

Dean: Well, what?

Bobby: Maybe it’s just…Sam.

Dean looks like someone gut-punched him and used his heart as the weapon. With a slightly hollow voice he says, “I gotta go.”

Bobby: Dean!

Dean: You’ve got a day, Bobby. And then…I’m handling this.

He hangs up looking sick. He scrolls down his list of names in his phone (past a Gwen…why do we know that name?) to Lisa and hits send, but hangs up after one ring. His mouth is working around words it appears he can’t figure out how to say. *sniff*

Sam comes in all hyped up and grinning. Grinning.

Sam: Got another one! Dentist drilled a guy to death.

Dean (standing up and facing him, tight—like he’s gotta brace himself): I’m guessing you mean the non-sex kind of drilling.

HA! That totally caught me off guard. *laughs*

Sam: $50 says he’s mixed up in the crazy. Let’s go talk to him.

Down boy. Jeeze, you big, freaky puppy.

Dean: You go. I’m gonna research.

Sam’s like, Wha? His expression is TOTALLY puzzled. What do you mean? No action? No kick the tires and light the fires? Stop moving??? What are these words you’re speaking??

Dean: We gotta know what we’re up against, right?

He’s just looking at Sam. Challenging him. Testing him.

Sam: Uh…okay. Good idea.

Sam leaves; Dean breathes a sigh of relief and drags a hand down his face. Next thing we see is Sam talking to the dentist’s assistant outside of the jail. He calls Dean, who is sitting in front of a laptop.

Dean: Anything from Marathon Man?

HA! I love it.

Sam: Not exactly. Hung himself in his cell before I could get to him.

Dean: Yikes.

Sam tells him the assistant heard the perv patient’s confession and said he’d have killed the guy, too. Dean guesses that these people were cursed to have people puke the truth all over them. Sam heads to the morgue and asks Dean to check out the dentist’s office. We pull away and see that Dean’s researching Doppelgangers.

Now that we know what we know, it’s kinda heartbreaking to see how hard Dean was searching to find a reason that this person hunting and traveling with him was not Sam. Not his brother. Couldn’t be. Had to be a monster or a creature or something evil. He would rather Sam still be in Hell and this person be a thing he could hunt than have it really be Sam because of how this Sam was acting. *rubs heart*

At the blood-splattered dentist’s office, Dean’s looking around for…anything…and glances at a saxophone the good doc had behind his desk. Which made me think about how the waitress had a tuba…which Dean evidently remembered as well because he saw a bill from Harry’s Horns on the doc’s desk and remembered seeing the same sticker in the waitresses room. Ah-ha!

So, he heads over to Harry’s and almost comes up empty until Harry asks about the horn he’d reported stolen. Dean (in the guise of a cop/Fed) is all, yeah, yeah, we’re working on it.

Harry: I hope so; it’s one in a billion.

Dean ducks back, unable to help himself and asks, what makes it 1 in a billion? Harry shows him a picture and says it’s like 1,000 years old and he doesn’t know where it’s from, but it was stolen the same time the waitress died. And oh my gosh I just realized that the horn was totally a red herring. I didn’t get that while watching. *facepalm* Nice one, Gaelic.

Anyway, Dean’s back at the motel (and presumably Sam’s at the morgue all this time??) and he’s looking up Gabriel’s Horn of Truth, drinking, and muttering to a non-present Castiel.

Dean: Castiel…hellloooo…loose nuke…angelic weapon…your department.

Annnnd, Cas is there.

Dean (standing up, drink in hand, and confronting Cas): Are you kidding me? I’ve been on Red Alert about Sam and you come for some HORN?

Aw, Dean, honey, just because there is nothing as important in your life as your brother doesn’t make that true for everyone else…no matter what you and Sam have done for the world. People—and angels—are too wrapped up in their own problems sometimes.

Cas: You asked me to be here and I came.

Dean: I’ve been asking you to be here for days, you dick!

Cas kind pulls back in the face of Dean’s fury.

Cas: I didn’t come about Sam because I didn’t have anything to offer about Sam.

He calmly picks up the bottle of liquor Dean’s drinking (Jack Daniels??) and pours him more. Enabler.

He tells Dean that Sam’s not Lucifer—if Satan had escaped the cage, the angels would have felt it. So, whew.

Dean: What is wrong with him?

Cas (sadly): I don’t know, Dean. I’m sorry.

Dean: What happened to you? You used to be human—or at least like one.

Castiel turns away, real sadness in his voice even if it doesn’t quite make it to his expression.

Cas: I’m at war. Certain…regrettable…things are now required of me.

Oh my, but that made me sad for Cas. He really liked being friends with Dean. He really liked being humanish. It’s gotta be hard to replace human feelings with power and strength…. *ahem*

Dean’s just watching him, trying to find something in the people around him that he remembered from before. All I could think was that this whole situation sucked so bad for Dean. He didn’t want to live the normal life with Sam in Hell, but he did it anyway. And then Sam returns and he struggles to hang on to a life he knows he can’t have and find his way back into a life that he doesn’t really fit anymore. But Sam’s not Sam anymore, and Bobby kept a Big Ass Secret from him, and Cas has his full-on angel mojo back…which means…Dean doesn’t really have anyone left. Not really. Not like before.

I guess the silver lining in that is that he’s fighting to get some of them back—the ones he can. Sam. Bobby. His family.

He brings up the Horn of Truth and says they think it’s in the town and poof! Cas is gone. Dean’s all, “You’re welcome!” when suddenly he turns around and Cas is back.

Cas: It’s not the Horn of Truth.

Dean: You were gone like two seconds! Where did you look?

Cas (innocently): Everywhere.

Dean pouts a bit, turning away and Cas tells him that he doesn’t know what’s wrong, but he wants to help—he’ll make inquiries. And if I may? Shallow moment? Dean’s eyes were just so very pretty in that scene.

Meanwhile, Sam’s been apparently spending some quality time at the morgue only to find out that all of the other suicide bodies are gone. He even gets all “don’t make me call your supervisor” with the M.E., but finds out that the bodies haven’t been transferred—they’re like gone gone.

Curiouser and curiouser.

So, Dean’s in a bar thinking heavy thoughts about how his little brother isn’t Lucifer, so that’s good, but he could just be Sam and that…kinda sucks actually.

On the TV over the bar there’s a news report with a pretty brunette in glasses and it catches my eye—it was the glasses that did it because you rarely see glasses on news women on TV. I realized as the tagline said something about offering the truth that the same newswoman had been on in the dentist office. I couldn’t remember if it had been on at Biggersons at the beginning, but I’m gonna go with ‘yes’ because of the way things turn out.

Sam calls and says that the bodies are gone, but he thinks he’s found patient zero and is heading to her house, wants Dean to meet him there. Dean hangs up and orders another drink.

Pretty bartender lady (who is wearing a T-shirt with what looks like angel wings on the front) says, “I thought you were working?”

Dean: I’m working up to it.

She tells him this one is on her and asks if she can get him anything else. Dean, sighing, lifts the shot glass to his mouth and we hone in on those pretty lips as he says, “I’d just like the freaking truth.”

Duh-duh-duhhh.

Out of nowhere, the bartender says, “Sometimes I think I can’t get pregnant because God knows my marriage is a sham.”

Dean’s like…Wha?

Bartender: Why’d I say that?

Dean’s shaking his head slowly.

Bartender: I mean…I’ve been snorting Oxy all day…why’d I say that?!

Dean’s face registers realization (while I judgmentally mumble, “You think maybe that’s why you can’t get pregnant??”) and he blinks a bit at her as he says, “I’m pretty sure I know.”

He gets up to go and moves past a table with another pretty brunette in an eye-catching purple dress and bodacious ta-tas who says to him, “I’m sitting like this so you look at my breasts. I just bought them. I need a lot of attention.”

Dean looks surprised, then says, “Good luck with that,” before stepping past her.

Buuuuut…then he slides back with a totally coy DEAN grin, looks at her knockers, nods, catches her eye and widens his grin making her smile…and THEN he leaves.

LOVE. IT. *cackles*

As he’s heading to the Impala he calls Bobby. Testing a theory.

D: Anything you’re itchin’ to tell me?

B: Not really. Just sitting here hitting the books with a nice glass of milk watching Tori and Dean.

Dean stops in his tracks: Wait, who and Dean?

Bobby: Tori Spelling. I’m a huge fan. Girl’s a real talent.

*CHORTLES*

Dean: Guess it does work over the phone.

Bobby isn’t finished: Y’know what else? I get a pedicure once in awhile.

Dean: Please stop.

But Bobby’s busy rambling about the Vietnamese girl in the salon he goes to: …tiny thing, but the grip on her. She starts on my toes and I feel like I’m gonna—

Dean: Whoa! Whoa! C’mon, man. Now I’m scarred for life. Thank you.

Bobby: I’ve never told anyone that. Why am I telling you? Maybe ‘cause you’re my favorite….

Dean grins a little. I grinned a lot.

Bobby: …although, Sam’s the better hunter…

Dean’s grin slips away to a partial scowl.

Bobby: …lately anyway.

Dean finally tells Bobby he’s been cursed.

Bobby: How is it that half the time you clean a mess you end up dirty?

Dean: This might be the best thing that’s happened to me in awhile.

Bobby: Dean…what damn fool move are you about to—

Dean: I gotta go.

Bobby: Did you know my first girlfriend turned out to be a—

Dean: NO! No, no no no…

He hangs up and shakes his head and I laughed. That whole conversation was probably my favorite non-dramatic part of the episode. Hee. *chuckles again*

In the car, Dean pauses for a moment, thinking, then calls Sam and leaves him a message that he’s heading his way, but if he gets this, call him because he has some questions. And you know what else I suddenly just realized? How did Sam get to all of those places if Dean had the Impala? Maybe that’s why it took him so long at the morgue—he spent most of the time just getting there!

Anyway, Suit!Sam is talking to the first victim’s…friend? Sister? Not sure. He tells her without preamble that it wasn’t a car accident, it was suicide. He sounds almost accusatory and when the girl starts crying, he looks a tad surprised. He does, however, have the wherewithal to hand her some tissues. The friend/sister/person says that Cory, the victim, was having a hard time, and then her cat ran away, but that wasn’t the worst of it—she was convinced that her boyfriend was cheating on her and became obsessed about finding the truth.

Duh-duh-duhhh.

Dean pulls up to the house and his phone rings. He gets out and answers it—and I was totally expecting it to be Sam. It was Lisa. She’d seen that he’d called and Dean hands her the “it’s been crazy” line…then says that this is probably the worst time to talk and can they do this later?

I said (out loud to the TV…sorry hubs), “Do it NOW, Dean. Right now in this moment? This is MORE IMPORTANT than Sam.”

Lisa: You shoved my kid, Dean. How about we do this now?

God, I love her character. I know, I know…the conversation does not bode well for any future with these two, but they really designed a good character with her—a good mom, a tough cookie, and someone who saw into Dean the way no one else in his life has. Someone that shoved a mirror up in front of him and simultaneously gave him a soft place to fall.

I gotta say, even with what happened here, I still have some hope for something to shift, to change. It’s still early on. You never know, right?

D: It wasn’t like that…but I can’t explain.

L: You want to know the truth?

D: Probably not.

My stomach knotted up right about here.

L: You’ve got so much buried in there and you push it down and push it down. Do you honestly think you can go through life like that and NOT freak out? Just drink half a 5th a night and you’re good?

Dean’s whole being is tight as he listens to her.

Dean (defensive): You knew what you signed up for.

Lisa: Yeah, but I didn’t expect Sam to come back.

No kidding.

Lisa: And I’m glad he’s okay. I am. But the minute he walked through that door, I knew it was over.

Dean looks gutted. I rubbed my heart. We all knew the same thing, really. Even with hope, we knew it. *stubbornly refuses to give up hope anyway*

Lisa: You two have the most unhealthy, tangled up thing I’ve ever seen and as long as he’s in your life, you’re never going to be happy.

She looks horrified for a moment.

Lisa: That came out so much harsher than I meant.

Dean (sadly): Not your fault.

Lisa: I’m not saying don’t be close to Sam. I’m close to my sister. But if my sister got killed, I wouldn’t bring her back from the dead.

Oooooh—she thinks DEAN brought Sam back. I didn’t realize that before. Did anyone else?? That makes a bit of a difference.

Dean: Lis, me and Sam got issues, I’m not gonna lie. But you and Ben—

Lisa: Me and Ben can’t be in this with you. I’m sorry.

OUCH. Guh, that hurt. I knew it was coming, and I’m glad she did it as a mom, but MAN does that hurt for Dean’s sake.

What I couldn’t help but go to is something someone said to me in a comment on a ‘friend locked’ post on LJ—about how family may not end in blood, but sometimes it takes more than blood to make a family. Like probably everyone else here, I have some not-so-fun family issues. Family as in parents and siblings. Issues that cause me a lot of heartache and pain and have sometimes put the family I’ve made for myself—my husband and daughter—in different forms of jeopardy.

The family I created with them is what really matters to me. I will protect them from my blood-family. Even though I love my blood-family fiercely. And I will turn myself inside out to try to help my blood-family if I can. Just…not at the expense of my husband and daughter. It hurts to be in that middle ground. It hurts so much sometimes I can’t breathe right. And it makes me angry. Really angry sometimes.

And all I could think of as Dean hung up from Lisa and went a little limp, his eyes slightly glassy, was that it wasn’t fair that he couldn’t have that family he’d created for himself. Because that pain? The pain I feel sometimes? Is a helluva lot better than not having the created family at all.

And I couldn’t help but agree with Lisa a little bit. As long as Sam remains the focus of Dean’s life (I disagree on the ‘as long as he’s in your life’ point…he’s ALWAYS going to be in Dean’s life), he’s not going to have a chance to be happy. Because you can’t make someone else responsible for your happiness—even subconsciously. You have to find a way to do it yourself—make your own family, make your own peace. It won’t be Sam’s fault that Dean’s not happy. But Sam will be the catalyst because of the position of importance Dean put his brother in.

But that’s just me.

Just so you know, I’m on board with Dean focusing on Sam right now, because for the sake of the story, we have to find out what’s going on and what it’s going to mean to BOTH of them….

Sam’s looking around Cory’s room and finds a sewing box under her bed with what looks like a cat skull in it. Guess her cat didn’t exactly…run away…so much as was…sacrificed to the cause. He heads out and runs into Dean on the stairs who is all, we gotta talk and you’re gonna tell me the truth.

Sam looks totally confused and is like…yeah, of course…oh, wait, are you saying you’re….

Dean: When that vamp attacked me, why did you just stand there?

Sam looks like he’s struggling a little. I’m not sure if it was struggling against telling the truth, or struggling to find a good enough lie. But he definitely fidgets.

Sam: I froze.

Dean: YOU froze. You’ve been Terminator since you got back.

Sam (with eyes slightly dewy, looking around): I don’t know…shock? Then it was too late.

Suddenly I realized what his expressions reminded me of: Tall Tales. When Dean’s version of the story was over-doing Sam’s “You’re too precious for this world…” expression. Sam was trying too hard to show the right kind of remorse and angst.

Sam: I feel terrible. Believe me. Dean, I can’t lie here. Do you really think I would let something like that happen on purpose? You’re my brother—

Dean stops the endless stream of frantic words by simply saying, “Okay.” He rolls his lip against his teeth in that way he does when he’s barely hanging on. First time we saw it was in Home when he’s on the phone with John’s voicemail asking for help. Ever since then it has kicked me in the heart.

Dean: I thought I saw something. I guess I was wrong. It’s just…been a really bad day.

He rubs his forehead and drags his hand down his face. Sam kinda awkwardly claps him on the shoulder and says, “Hey, it’s okay. I got your back. I always have.” You brave little soldier.

Dean looks like he’s trying to match up in his mind that this really could just be Sam, but can’t seem make all the puzzle pieces fit. He says thanks and Sam turns away from him, any emotion on his face instantly gone. At first I thought, you evil little bastard. But in retrospect I realize it wasn’t an evil loss of emotion…it was just that he didn’t have to keep the act up anymore. It was empty. Utterly empty.

Back at the motel, they’re going through Cory’s box and figure out it’s all stuff to summon a god. Cory wanted the truth, so she got Veritas, but she opened a door she couldn’t close and so anyone in the town that asks for the truth gets slammed with it (a very dark, twisted version of it in some cases) until they kill themselves and become a tribute to the goddess.

Sam’s like, “We have to take her out, or you’re on the menu.”

Dean: So what do we know besides Crazy Cat Lady?

Sam: Dogs are her Achilles heel.

Dean: Naturally.

Through some rather quick deduction, they realize she was an attention whore—very “speak the truth to the masses” kind of gal. Dean, clever guy, puts two and two together and thinks: News Lady! So…they head to the news station, pay off a security guard (perhaps by using Dean’s truth curse against him, who knows) and steal News Lady’s computer.

Thus begins an endless night of footage watching. Start out both watching, perched on the edge of the bed, leaning towards the computer screen. Then…Sam’s watching and Dean’s up at the head of the bed eating chicken and saying that News Lady is creepy. “I mean the hair alone….”

It’s morning and Sam is STILL watching while Dean is at the table…only now he’s eating pizza. Dean’s bed is messed up, but it doesn’t look as if Sam has even moved beyond shucking his outer shirt. The dude is a machine. At last he gets to footage of her wigging out because of a barking dog and they catch some electric blue in her eyes. Eureka!

That night, they follow her little red Corvette (at least, I think it was a Corvette) from the news station to her very modern, normalish looking house. Dean holds up two silver knives. Sam holds up a jar of dog’s blood.

Dean: Do I even want to know where you got that?

Sam: Probably not.

Gack.

Sam dips the knives in the dog’s blood and they’re good to go. They sneak in and look around and except for being decorated with lots of felinesque statues and whatnot, it’s pretty normal-looking all around. Until, that is, they get to the master bathroom. Veritas’ House Of Horrors, ya’ll.

Dead bodies in bits and pieces—some whole—are on trays or hanging from hooks. Staring at this in a bit of shock (though…I think they should have been prepared to see this or worse, with what they knew they were after, but oh well) they’re caught off-guard when Veritas shows up behind them, flicking them across the room with a god-like wiggle of fingers and they both slam hard on the ground, unconscious.

They wakeup tied up and watch as Veritas cuts out the tongue of the dentist, eating it in front of them while saying that it’s the most delicious part because it’s where all the lies roll off. Y’know, your basic bad-guy I’m So Awesome mini-monologue…only this time she adds a twist by having the guys participate.

Sam has a knife up his sleeve (like…literally) and while she’s noshing on tongue and declaring the Winchester boys set the gold standard for liars, he’s working it loose and starting in on cutting his ropes.

Dean claims their ability to lie is a point of professional pride—he’s keeping his eyes on her and trying to watch Sam at the same time.

Veritas tsks him saying, “Y’know what happens when you base your lives on lies…the truth comes along and…. So, while you still have your tongue, I think it’s your turn to spill some. Hey, Dean…I’m curious. What do you really think about your brother?

Okay, my stomach got tighter still at this. I really didn’t know what he was going to say about Sam. Especially after that awkward, almost-confession back at Cory’s house.

Dean: Better now. Yesterday…I wanted to kill him in his sleep. I thought he was a monster.

Sam looks over, face showing in the first real reaction I think we’ve seen.

Dean: But now…I think he’s just…acting like me. It’s the gig. You’re covered in blood until you’re covered in your own blood. Half the time you’re about to die. Like now.

Veritas’ smile is almost understanding. Interesting.

Dean: I told myself I wanted out. That I wanted a family.

Veritas: But you were lying.

Dean: No. But what I’m good at is slicing throats. I ain’t a father. I’m a killer. And there’s no changing that. I know that now.

Guys…this. More than Lisa’s goodbye. More than what came next with Sam. This gutted me. That this is how Dean sees himself. That this is what he feels is the truth.

My hope for him to have a future beyond Sam, beyond hunting…a future with Lisa and Ben…thinned out considerably. It didn’t go away though because when you have a hero, you always have hope. And I have a hero with Dean. But he’s so…. *rubs heart* He’s just never really had a chance to believe otherwise. And just when he gets a shot at it, his world flips sideways and he loses his balance all over again.

Veritas moves around to Sam, and I thought she was still talking to Dean the way she worded her question, but Sam’s the one that she compels the answer from.

V: So…Sam walking back into your life must’ve been a relief…how do you feel about the band getting back together?

Sam is twitching a little again…as if he’s struggling against the affects of her power…or, perhaps just trying to sound human.

Sam: What we do is hard. But we watch out for each other. And that’s it. That’s the truth.

Veritas stands up: No. No it’s not. How are you doing that? What are you? What is he?

Dean’s eyes are wide and he’s looking frantically from Sam to Veritas. Sam’s all, shut up, I’m totally telling the truth!

Veritas: I doubt anything that comes out of your mouth right now. You’re not human.

Dean’s voice is hollowed out: What?!

Veritas: You didn’t know that? Now that I believe.

In that moment, Sam cuts through his ropes, tosses Dean the knife and attacks Veritas. Dean cuts through his rope while Veritas strangles Sam—who is gasping and struggling and in obvious pain—and Dean stabs Veritas with some spear-like thing she had lying around. She screams and turns all freaky-cat-faced on him and Sam grabs one of their dog-blood-covered knives and stabs her, killing her.

Sam struggles up to his feet, gasping for breath, looking a little worse for the wear. Dean turns the knife on Sam, advancing and Sam looks legitimately scared. As well he should. Vamp blood or no vamp blood, Dean took out an entire nest. He may not be Terminator Hunter, but he is not someone to mess with. And not only that, but…I kinda think Sam really wanted Dean on his side. I’ll get back to that in a sec.

Dean: You are not my brother.

Sam (panicky): It’s me.

Dean: WHAT are you?!

Sam: You want the truth? Here it is. God’s honest. She was right. There’s something wrong with me and I’ve known it for awhile. I lied and I let you get turned ‘cause I knew there was a cure and we needed in that nest. I knew you could handle it.

Dean: Handle it?! I could have died. I could have killed Ben.

Sam: I know and that should have stopped me cold. But it didn’t. Because I can’t feel it. I am a better hunter than I ever was. Nothing scares me anymore! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think I need help.

SO…part of me wondered if he really did want help—especially since he’d just said he was a better hunter than ever before—or if he was just saying that as part of his “human cover.” But then…why save Dean from the djinn himself when he, as we said, he could have sent another hunter?

He came back to Dean because he wanted Dean back in his life. Because he’s known for a long time that he’s effed up and family or not, he doesn’t trust the Campbells with this information. He tore Dean out of that life that he made him promise he’d live because he needed his brother—but my problem with that is…once Dean was there with him…he still waited to tell him the truth!

I don’t know.

I really struggled with believing that he wanted help. Especially after the subterfuge and lies. If he knew there was a cure, why not make a plan WITH his brother to enter the nest as a vamp—or, heck, why not volunteer to go himself??

He may not be evil, but his actions have been wicked.

Veritas said he wasn’t human. But it wasn’t because he is a monster. It was (as we saw confirmed in the previews) because the essence of Sam is missing: his soul. His compassion. The heart of him—the thing that causes him to fear and pause and love and mourn and wonder and appreciate and forgive and seek forgiveness…the thing that heard his brother gasp, “I’m here, Sam. I won’t leave you,” when Lucifer was using Sam’s hands to kill Dean…wasn’t there anymore.

What makes us human? Our souls.

Dean listened to Sam’s gasped confession, looked at his hands raised in surrender, his eyes folded just the right way to illustrate desperation, and he turned away, setting the knife down. I so, so afraid Sam was going to jump him. I didn’t want Dean to turn his back—I totally didn’t trust Sam in that moment. But then Dean caught me completely by surprised and turned around with a powerhouse punch, cracking Sam hard across the jaw. Sam staggered back, dazed. Dean hits him again, knocking him to the ground and I was still surprised.

But then he kept hitting him—again and again—until Sam’s face was bloody and he was unconscious and I realized I’d shifted from surprise to relief. It was…strangely cathartic to watch Dean lay into his brother like that. It hurt, but it also felt good.

Each punch was for something Sam couldn’t take back and Dean couldn’t fix: returning from Hell and not telling him…pulling him away from Lisa and Ben with no warning…dumping him into the middle of the Campbells’ with no preparation…allowing a vamp to turn him…lying to him.

I don’t condone violence. It doesn’t ever solve anything. But in some situations…it gets you a little closer to finding a solution. And this time? No words would have sufficed.

Trust was a ghost before this and now the bones have been burned.

We have some answers, and we have a lot more questions. Just as we thought we would. But at least the trailhead for the path to healing between the brothers has been pointed out to us—perhaps not the healing that takes things back to where they started. I really don’t see how that’s possible or believable. Not ever what they’ve been through.

But Dean has nothing left to go back to (he thinks *grips thin hope*) and he can focus on The Case now with his whole self as he used to do. And now that Sam has finally come clean(ish) they can start there and…work through what happens next.

At least we get a few more weeks before they leave us bereft.

Thanks for hanging with me.

Slainte.


Comments

( 116 Tall Tales — Tell Me A Story )
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txgirl0302
Oct. 30th, 2010 07:37 am (UTC)
I am still reeling from this episode. My heart was breaking through out and the ending? Wow. I still hold out hope that there can be something more for Dean and Lisa. I cannot wait for next week's episode.
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 02:51 am (UTC)
I'm so with you. I want someone to call Lisa. Like Bobby, maybe. And tell her that Dean needs her. I want something to happen with them beyond this Veritas-triggered truth.

Oh, this show makes my heart hurt.

Thank you for reading. :)
akg42
Oct. 30th, 2010 07:47 am (UTC)
I just found your reviews (I love your work on ff). They're beautiful.

Biggerson's is the same restaurant from Bad Day. Easier than inventing a new one.

I said (out loud to the TV…sorry hubs), “Do it NOW, Dean. Right now in this moment? This is MORE IMPORTANT than Sam.”

I totally agree that Dean needed to talk to Lisa as soon as possible but I think he knew a conversation now wasn't fair to her. Not that she would have lied to him but she wasn't in control of what she was saying.
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 02:59 am (UTC)
Hey - welcome! So glad you've found them. :) I hope to see you return.

I totally agree that Dean needed to talk to Lisa as soon as possible but I think he knew a conversation now wasn't fair to her. Not that she would have lied to him but she wasn't in control of what she was saying.

Okay, you make a good point here -- one I clearly wasn't thinking of in the moment. I was caught up in the fact that I thought it was going to be Sam and that Dean had left him a voicemail...I had it in my head that he would be frustrated (for lack of a better word) that he was delayed in getting to the bottom of what was going on with Sam.

But you're right in that he probably was thinking this was a bad time not because he was delayed in talking with Sam, but that he knew she'd be telling him the harsh truth.

I like your interpretation better. :)

Thanks for reading!
(no subject) - akg42 - Nov. 1st, 2010 04:36 am (UTC) - Expand
heartlessbytchh
Oct. 30th, 2010 07:52 am (UTC)
Interesting parallel to "Angel".I'm sure they'll catch some criticism over this.
Yes, Big Gerson's is the same place they used in BDABR and the epi with Famine.

tweak doubts in Dean that Bobby’s really serious.
You gotta remember that Bobby isn't as invested in Sam as Dean is. Plus, we don't know what kind of BS Not!Sam told Bobby a year ago to keep him quiet.

What happened to him? How did he get out? WHY is he out? Can he be saved? Does he want to be saved? Is he ever going to be SAM again?

I think the question to ask first is "Is that really him?" And where's his soul and who has it? And is this maybe a Doppelganger we're seeing. Remember I said that a few weeks ago?
I said it before and I'll say it again. Crowley's involved somehow or other. He either has Sam's soul or know who does.
Remember the interchange they had at the Scottish cemetery?

It’s a new…more caring…administration.
Yeah, I snarked big time on that look he had and the way he delivered that line.
sinister. And frikkn' creepy!

Dean tosses Sam an anxious look as he gets in the car. Sam…totally misses it.
I think this scene was the one that struck me that Dean was either nervous or uncomfortable getting in the car with Not!Sam.

That horn may not be a red herring. It may come up again later in the story line. I just don't remember ever hearing of Gabriel having a horn. It was always St. Peter.

Oh, just Googled it. It's a math thing.
Way above my paygrade to be able to understand or explain it. Wonder if that will mean anything.

No, that's not a bottle of Jack Black. I've been trying to research it too, seen it on other epis. I'm thinking Johhny Walker but not sure yet.

Certain…regrettable…things are now required of me.
That sentence of Cas' scares the you know what out of me. What if on of those "regrettable things" is to somehow betray the WinBros? I think that was a huge slap of foreshadowing.

she thinks DEAN brought Sam back. I didn’t realize that before. Did anyone else?? That makes a bit of a difference.
You're right, it does! I missed that!
*facepalm*


gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:16 am (UTC)
Hi lady! Sorry it's taken me so long to reply to these great comments of yours. Sometimes having the show on Friday's makes it really hard for me to get to comments. I appreciate your patients!

:)

I think this scene was the one that struck me that Dean was either nervous or uncomfortable getting in the car with Not!Sam.

I agree. He looked like his skin was crawling.

That sentence of Cas' scares the you know what out of me. What if on of those "regrettable things" is to somehow betray the WinBros? I think that was a huge slap of foreshadowing

Ooooo - I hadn't thought of that. *shudders* I hope you're not right, but it's definitely plausible.

On to your next post....
borgmama1of5
Oct. 30th, 2010 08:16 am (UTC)
This was just a devasting episode--to watch Dean's world completely unravel.

Lisa is awesome and truly what Dean needs, but she also needs to protect Ben first, so I understand her heart breaking choice.

And Dean saying he's a killer, not a father--so tragic that he sees himself that way.

And then there's Sam...I want to believe he wants Dean's help, but I'm so worried...

You expressed my reaction to this episode in more eloquent words, but the bottom line is, how much more can Dean take, and how much more can I watch him take it?
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:32 am (UTC)
...how much more can Dean take, and how much more can I watch him take it?

Oh, goodness, I know. He just broke me in this. He's so amazing to watch and he carries me with him through each moment of pain and each flash of humor and roguishness. And that end confession followed by the explosion of angry violence just left me so sad for him.

As for Sam...*sighs* I don't know. I think we've made progress, but...I'm a little "once bitten twice shy" with him. Jury's still out.
heartlessbytchh
Oct. 30th, 2010 08:24 am (UTC)
…he’s ALWAYS going to be in Dean’s life),
Yes, but he doesn't have to be the focus of Dean's life.
Right now is ok, because that boy if it's really him has megaproblems. If it's not him, maybe he can be rescued.

struggling to find a good enough lie.
That's what I think. *And that's the truth! pffffttt* *snark*

(at least, I think it was a Corvette
I think it was an old Jag, didn't get a good enough look at it.

I ain’t a father. I’m a killer. And there’s no changing that. I know that now.
This tore me up so bad too. His grim acceptance of it all was so devastating.

I ain’t a father. I’m a killer. And there’s no changing that. I know that now.
I think it was a meat hook. Gaggggg

Sam: I know and that should have stopped me cold. But it didn’t. Because I can’t feel it. I am a better hunter than I ever was. Nothing scares me anymore! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think I need help.
His lips are moving, he's still lying. Part of his Campbell heritage.
*snark* lol
Which makes me think even more strongly that's a Doppleganger or a variation of a shadow person.


He came back to Dean because he wanted Dean back in his life. Because he’s known for a long time that he’s effed up

G, this may not necessarily be true. He could be a meat puppetDoppelganger of some kind sent by or used by someone who wants to get to Dean. YED much? Remember I said what if the YED hallucination Dean sae was really YED wearing Sam's meat suit?

but my problem with that is…once Dean was there with him…he still waited to tell him the truth!
See? In a way, that proves that he didn't come to dean for help. He's been too secretive and mysterious for that.

I didn’t want Dean to turn his back—I totally didn’t trust Sam in that moment.
Me either, but maybe it was a psych out or a test...

The part where Dean was punching Not!Sam reminded me of when Luci!Sam was beating the hole crap out of Dean in SS 5.22

I donn't condone violence either. But if it's not human or animal, wtf izzit? And maybe the violence isn't viloence anymore if the meat puppet has no feelings, emotional or otherwise.
Brain starting to hurt naoww.

Trust was a ghost before this and now the bones have been burned.
I love this line of yours. :D Can I steal it and use it on a non-SN board in my siggy line?


But Dean has nothing left to go back to (he thinks...
You know this is when a person is their most dangerous, don't you?
Look out in the future epis! It'll look like the vamps got off easy.

And now that Sam has finally come clean(ish)
Sorry, I don't think he has. I think he was just saying something to appease Dean and deflect any fallout for his actions.

Oh! Oh! Just had another thought! I think Not! Sam is part of the plot to get Dean to Aurora. Remember the preview at the end where that dude tells Not!Sam, he'll be that dude's 'perfect little animal'? And that split second shot we got of an even colder more distant Not!Sam?

Creeped me way frikkn out.
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:44 am (UTC)
Yes, but he doesn't have to be the focus of Dean's life.

Exactly my point. He can't be the focus of Dean's life if Dean is going to be happy. And that's not Sam's fault...it's Dean. We're all responsible for our own happiness and if we make someone else responsible for that happiness (even if it's subconscious or through others placing responsibility on you) ultimately we're setting ourselves up for disappointment and unhappiness.

You may have a point -- Sam may yet be a doppleganger...and perhaps the red herring isn't so much a red herring...but I don't know. I think it is Sam. And that's why it's so crushing to Dean. I guess we'll find out (eventually).

Trust was a ghost before this and now the bones have been burned.
I love this line of yours. :D Can I steal it and use it on a non-SN board in my siggy line?


Have at it! :)

I think he was just saying something to appease Dean and deflect any fallout for his actions

Again, you may have a point. I want to believe the best about Sam because he's Dean's brother and has been Dean's whole life and I don't want Dean's whole life to be reduced to working through the mystery of a person that had been a hero when he sacrificed himself for the world and went to Hell and is now...what? A monster?

That's not the fate I want for my hero.

So I want there to be hope for Sam.

But...I guess we'll have to wait and see, right? :)

You know this is when a person is their most dangerous, don't you?

Yep. And that...kinda excites me and worries me. :)

See you next week??
msninacat
Oct. 30th, 2010 09:20 am (UTC)
I'm right there with you on the Lisa thing. That just hurt so much even though pretty much everyone knew it was coming. I was honestly hoping we would get to that and maybe we still can but idk how now. :(

I'm really hoping the explanation sells me on Sam again because it might just be telling of me but the "no soul" excuse isn't doing much for me to forgive him for pretty much playing with Dean's life.

But then he kept hitting him—again and again—until Sam’s face was bloody and he was unconscious and I realized I’d shifted from surprise to relief. It was…strangely cathartic to watch Dean lay into his brother like that. It hurt, but it also felt good.

Each punch was for something Sam couldn’t take back and Dean couldn’t fix: returning from Hell and not telling him…pulling him away from Lisa and Ben with no warning…dumping him into the middle of the Campbells’ with no preparation…allowing a vamp to turn him…lying to him.

I don’t condone violence. It doesn’t ever solve anything. But in some situations…it gets you a little closer to finding a solution. And this time? No words would have sufficed.


This. SO MUCH. And while I don't condone violence either, it's very much a guy thing. And more on point a brother to brother thing. Many times I've asked my husband with two little brothers and he's agreed that he would have punched his brothers for an offense related to the show. So I think it's good writing whether people agree with the actions or not.
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 02:47 pm (UTC)
I'm really hoping the explanation sells me on Sam again because it might just be telling of me but the "no soul" excuse isn't doing much for me to forgive him for pretty much playing with Dean's life.

Yeah, I feel a little bad because I saw the 'no soul' thing in the previews and let it fill in a bunch of holes that it may or may not have been intended to fill in, y'know? Kind of a spoilerish ramble, this one. But I guess anyone/everyone who saw the previews could have pretty much gone to the same place.

So I think it's good writing whether people agree with the actions or not.

Thank you! I was slightly taken aback by the level of differing reactions to Dean's actions there at the end. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. What he did and how he did it didn't bother me. *shrug*

Guess we'll see how that plays out as the story rolls on.

Thanks for reading!
(no subject) - msninacat - Nov. 2nd, 2010 04:06 am (UTC) - Expand
annie200
Oct. 30th, 2010 10:29 am (UTC)
OK first off, I didn't get the previews so Linnie very kindly pmed me with the details, because before that I was still in major WTF mode.
Some great stuff here, even though i will probably never dare try to speak in the dentist's chair again..just in case LOL. I had actually forgotten just how well Spn does totally gruesome, low cost scenes, and this was maybe my worst ever!
With regards to Dean seeing himself as a killer, i think we have to take that in the ssame vein as the waitress's sister telling her that she was a freak. There's truth in there, but it's been distorted. My mom always used to tell me that truth was like salt:a little goes a long way, and that definitely applies here.
Lisa..yep, I totally get it, and i'm glad they didn't duck a realistic reaction in favour of keeping the relationship going. Still, I can't help hold out for a finale reconcialtion much later in the day.
And now to Sam. I'd nailed the soulless option straight off, due entirely to their bigfoot-sized clues and not to any skill on my part. Now I'm ready for Dean to rescue Sam. And I have suddenly realised something..so far Sam has avoided doing evil things. He's still hunting and trying to kill monsters even though he has no empathy. He does care about Dean as far as someone who is pretty much amoral can be. He wants to be with him, but he doesn't feel the need to protect him a. because he clearly feels Dean can take care of himself, and b. because omg he has no freakin' soul
So, finally, finally, play is set up for Sam and Dean to work their way back to each other. Dean may not trust/like/care about Sam currently because this person does not contain Sam's essence. Once Dean has got Sam's soul back..there is hope for the brothers.And this is Dean..so we both know that he's going to do do it or die trying.
Still wanting the alpha storyline to vapourise, and it sounds as though there was some of that in the preview, but am now much more confident that Sam can be Sam once more. Whew..what a relief!
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 02:52 pm (UTC)
OK first off, I didn't get the previews so Linnie very kindly pmed me with the details, because before that I was still in major WTF mode.

*hides face*

I'm so sorry!! I was so caught up in watching that end and hearing Sam's confession and then seeing the previews I didn't take care of you guys by separating out what was, basically, a spoiler (from the previews) from what had actually happened in the episode.

I won't do that again -- I apologize. It just totally wrapped me up. *bad Gaelic*

With regards to Dean seeing himself as a killer, i think we have to take that in the ssame vein as the waitress's sister telling her that she was a freak. There's truth in there, but it's been distorted.

Oh, that's a really good point -- one that I should have come to on my own what with the way I was saying the truth at the beginning of the episode was a distorted truth. Thanks for that.

Dean may not trust/like/care about Sam currently because this person does not contain Sam's essence. Once Dean has got Sam's soul back..there is hope for the brothers.And this is Dean..so we both know that he's going to do do it or die trying.

Yes. This. Exactly.

Thank you for reading!! :)

a_phoenixdragon
Oct. 30th, 2010 12:11 pm (UTC)
I assure you lovie, that I think of you often and fondly *loves you*

I think that was the Goddess' curse, not just truth, but the ugliest of truths - ones people hide deep so they THEMSELVES don't have to think about it.

Yup, Biggerson's was also used in My Bloody Valentine (the restaurant where Famine ended up)

Bobby's always used Dean as a gauge for Sam, but more than that - it shows us that Bobby has pulled AWAY. Dean is truly alone and friendless in a way here and that hurts me. Because yes, Bobby HAS always loved him best. And it just adds up to all the WRONG the Season. Dean is frowned upon, looked down on, talked about, judged...and yet Sam is 'okay'? Whuuutt? (And yes, I'm still ma that Sam opened his mouth to the Campbells and what fell out was horrible and made them think less of Dean...exept for grandpa- he knew better.) And yet (yes, I'm getting ahead of myself) Sam got what he always wanted. He became 'Dean' - or at least, how he sees him (and how heartbreaking is that?!) he's better, faster, smarter...but at the cost of so much. An honestly, if this is how he sees Dean...ha he ever really known him?!

I like how you point this out. It IS all about Sam - in many ways, this show always has been. But we get to see from his brother's view - the one who raised, loved an care for him his whole life. Which is a bonus if you are a Dean girl (though very dark in many ways - YUM!) but must be NERVEwracking for Sam girls, lol!

In a way, Dean asking if Sam was okay WAS strange - he' so nervous now...and Dean ha never gotten (visibly) nervous or scare before..this was scary to ME.

Also ironic that Sam said that, seeing as how you could tell even at that moment that he could have given two shits about that woman or her dead sister. New, more caring my ass, lol!

Jard is really kicking ass this season! So FUCKING CREEPY! UGH!!

Down boy. Jeeze, you big, freaky puppy. *Cackles* Still a touch of old Sam (at least in some of the 'tude) that made me glee...just a bit, lol! And yeah - DAMN he's a big bastard!

*Laughs* That was priceless! Whuu? RESEARCH - WHAT IS THIS YOU SPEAK OF AND WHERE IS DEAN?! *Cackles again*

The bad thing is, if Dean waas actually vindicated and it WAS a doppel...that means he just wasted months when he coul have been saving his brother with a facsimilie and he HOULD HAVE KNOW *whimpers* *rubs heart at the idea*

And poor Cas...relegated with the rest of the angelic lot as a dick. *Cuddles him*

Somehow, Cas knows that is how Dean copes. He knows he shouldn't cope like that, but he is so used to Dean's drinking...*cries* Dammit, Dean! and how human WAS that btw, that absent pouring of a glass for Dean - and exactly how many fingers Dean drinks at a time *arches eyebrow* methinks Cas doth protest too much...

Poor Dean...he's gone a year - but it might a WELL have been a decade. He thought he was alone before...*cries* And poor Cas who want to be there but can't... And yeah, Dean is drowning. Shoved into a life he really didn't want, but kind of got the hang of - and now he's attached (as he feared) to people he can't keep (he knows in the end) and he's fighting to reconnect to those he always had. *Takes a deep breath*

You are always allowed Shallowness...Dean's pretty kinda overwhelmed this whole ep, damn Ackles!!

Very pretty lips...*stares* ohh! Review...

Ohhh you judgemental bitch you! bodacious ta-tas *Giggles merrily* Hey, the man ain't DEAD, you know, lol!

That was a most excellent conversation, lol! Jim must've had a frigging BALL with the script, *g*!

I was with Dean, though...with that harsh truth thing going on, no matter how Lisa felt, it was going to come out bad - so yeah...not the best time for either of them, as Lisa is usually pretty damned honest anyhow - but she was almost cold - and it surprised even HER. Hmmm...wonder if Dean' voice on the VM COMPELLED her to call? OY. It IS suppose to goad the person who is being plied with the truth to kill themselves after all. Not a good time...an now Lisa is probably so horrified it will take her a good long time to call back - but I'm sure she will, if she loves him at all. As lon as they don't pull a whole Lana/Clark thin - that would piss me off.








gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:03 pm (UTC)
I assure you lovie, that I think of you often and fondly *loves you*

Awww, thanks for that. I didn't mean to sound needy with that statement -- just that I think I tend to worry needlessly sometimes that I make a fool of myself when people don't really think that much about me...y'know?

This is an awesome set of comments from you! You don't normally write this much. *is happy*

The bad thing is, if Dean waas actually vindicated and it WAS a doppel...that means he just wasted months when he coul have been saving his brother with a facsimilie and he HOULD HAVE KNOW *whimpers* *rubs heart at the idea*

Gah, I know. I think that's why I want so badly for this to be SAM. I said above that I want to believe the best about Sam because he's Dean's brother and has been Dean's whole life and I don't want Dean's whole life to be reduced to working through the mystery of a person who had been a hero when he sacrificed himself for the world and went to Hell and is now...what? A monster?

That's not the fate I want for my hero.

So I want there to be hope for Sam.

You are always allowed Shallowness...Dean's pretty kinda overwhelmed this whole ep, damn Ackles!!

Good. Lord. I know. I just thought that if every single one of my rambles gushed over the pretty eventually people would be like, seriously, Gaelic. WE GET IT. *laugh*

yeah...not the best time for either of them, as Lisa is usually pretty damned honest anyhow - but she was almost cold - and it surprised even HER.

Yeah, I thought about that in hindsight. I was too caught up in worry that Dean would be frustrated that he was delayed in getting to the truth of Sam. But in retrospect, yeah, I think he was trying to protect her, too.

What's the whole Lana/Clark thing? I stopped watching Smallville when they killed off Jason Teague. (surprise, surprise)


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a_phoenixdragon
Oct. 30th, 2010 12:12 pm (UTC)
She has every right to be pissed - but the bad thing is, he was warned what she signed up for. But if she thinks Dean brought him back (logical, as she must have known he was searching, then BAM here he is) means (in her mind) that he was always temporary and that must have pissed her off more. Dean's relationship with Sam is never gonna be completely healthy - they are too close for that. But if she loves him...*sigh*

What really hurt about this - she pushed him out and told him he'd have a place. He tried TWICE to make a clean break - so this would not happen. But it did anyway...poor Dean...*cries*

I'll be back to read the rest later - heading home here soon!!

*HUGS*

*GLEES!*

gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:05 pm (UTC)
What really hurt about this - she pushed him out and told him he'd have a place. He tried TWICE to make a clean break - so this would not happen. But it did anyway...poor Dean...*cries*

Yeah, I'm with you. Relationships are messy even in the best of circumstances. And this is just...ouch. All over with the ouch.

If you come back, let me know. I got some push and pull on how I saw the end scene and I'd like to know what you thought of it.

Thanks for reading!
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spike247uk
Oct. 30th, 2010 12:41 pm (UTC)
wow - cannot wait to watch this episode!!

I've been very remiss in not commenting since you started your stream of consciousness at the beginning of the season (RL has sucked hugely) - but I wanted to let you know that your posts have helped me keep faith in the show, and allowed me to really delve into the storyline without too much trepidation......so thank you xxx
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:06 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm so sorry for the RL suckage. That's never fun. :(

I'm glad you've been able to keep the faith, though! Hang in there -- and thanks for reading!! :)

See you soon.
primrose_1
Oct. 30th, 2010 01:16 pm (UTC)
It was probably a bad idea for me to watch the show last night. I was just coming off of a HUGELY busy week- a show every day, my last this morning. THEN I'm on the activities committee at church, so I'm in charge of the church Halloween party. I spent HOURS at the church getting ready for the party, then the party itself happened, and I had to be "on" for it. I caught a bad cold about Wednesday, and with everything that was going on, I was running on adrenaline fumes and nothing else.

When I got home, I knew that once I sat down, that was it. I sat in the recliner, and watched the episode. I thought and felt a lot of the same things you did-but through a haze of total exhaustion, so it's all kind of muted. I don't want it to be muted because I really love these boys, and I want to watch Dean punching Sam and feel more than "Ow...that's gotta hurt." Sigh.

I think that Sam does want help- he says so in the first episode when he tells Dean that he wants him there because Dean risked his life to help his friends when they were being attacked by the Djinn, and Sam wouldn't. At the same time, when you don't feel anything, there would be any urgency in really getting into it and getting that help. It's like me being exhausted last night-you recognize that you should probably feel something, but you just can't work up anything to make you care. Maybe Sam thinks that just having Dean near him is enough. Dean fills in the very obvious gaps that keep Sam from being the perfect hunter- the drive to care about saving people. Maybe he thinks that's enough.

This is getting long, but I wanted to say that I thought it was interesting that they actually tell us Sam doesn't have a soul in the PREVIEW for next week's show. Why give it away? We know he doesn't FEEL anything. They could have had us all speculating about what that actually means for another whole week. I wonder if they're paying attention to what folks are saying and are realizing that they couldn't drag it out anymore.
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:09 pm (UTC)
First, a very big hug for you as you just sound exhausted. I hope you have some recovery time on the books this week. *HUGS*

It's like me being exhausted last night-you recognize that you should probably feel something, but you just can't work up anything to make you care. Maybe Sam thinks that just having Dean near him is enough. Dean fills in the very obvious gaps that keep Sam from being the perfect hunter- the drive to care about saving people. Maybe he thinks that's enough.

That is a really interesting observation. One that rings really true to how I'm seeing Sam right now, too.

I wanted to say that I thought it was interesting that they actually tell us Sam doesn't have a soul in the PREVIEW for next week's show. Why give it away?

This is a really good point -- and I felt bad when I realized I'd basically "spoiled" anyone who hadn't seen the previews by the way I wrote this ramble. I just got caught up in the info they gave us and let that fill in the holes. *bad Gaelic*

But I wonder if you've got a point -- that they realized they had to gives a cookie to quiet us down a bit. LOL!

See you next week and get some rest!! :)
kimmer1227
Oct. 30th, 2010 01:26 pm (UTC)
Ignore me while I go weep in the corner.

Sometimes there's not enough Oh, Dean's in the world.

*sobs*
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:10 pm (UTC)
*HUGS YOU*

You made me think of that line from Forrest Gump: Sometimes there's just not enough rocks.

Oh, Dean.
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wrenny59
Oct. 30th, 2010 01:37 pm (UTC)
First of all, big hugs to you as always for taking time to share your thoughts and feelings which I absolutely can't wait to read every week!
But since you didn't gush about how DDG Dean was in this quite enough, I'll add a bit of my own.
See, I can barely hear the words coming out Dean's mouth with all that over the top pretty happening on my teevee. GUH!!! He looked so amazing this week, I can't believe he looks better and better every week! I know you think I'm being shallow, but I think I'm just so visually oriented, the term eye-candy is pretty darned accurate and I have a bad eye-candy addiction! All right, I'm done for now. Sort of.
My favorite scene was when Dean confronted Sam asking for the truth. I swear he was this close to crying - it just gutted me. And truly I was not wanting for plenty of scenes where Dean gutted me in this ep.
I was thinking that when Lisa says that Dean brought Sam back from the dead, she was referring to when Sam was knifed in the back and Dean sold his soul to bring him back. Surely in the year since Sam went to hell, he would have talked about the big events of his life!
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:18 pm (UTC)
But since you didn't gush about how DDG Dean was in this quite enough, I'll add a bit of my own.

LOL! Bring it on, sister! I just get a little worried that if I gush every single week about the amazing pretteh that is Dean eventually ya'll are going to go WE GET IT, GAELIC!!!

But...just for you? This is a site I go to after pretty much every episode to revel in the pretty:

http://community.livejournal.com/jensenated/85964.html#cutid1

I was thinking that when Lisa says that Dean brought Sam back from the dead, she was referring to when Sam was knifed in the back and Dean sold his soul to bring him back. Surely in the year since Sam went to hell, he would have talked about the big events of his life!

Oh, you might have a point here. I didn't consider that. I guess I was just thinking that Lisa had to have known Dean was looking for a way to save/help Sam while he was living with her during that year and then BAM he shows up, so I just went to this time.

But she very well could have been referring to the first time.

Thanks for reading! See you soon.
simplycolourful
Oct. 30th, 2010 03:19 pm (UTC)
I'm still trying to figure out how I felt about this episode, might have to watch it again...

I like the case with Veritas. It was very interesting to see how people reacted to the truth, even if it was twisted.

I'm wondering about Sam, at least he admitted that there was something wrong with him...

Looking forward to the next episode :)
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:19 pm (UTC)
I think it's an episode where we have a lot to process and without all the answers, it's hard to really declare one way or another about the episode as a whole. The parts that tangled me up were mainly Lisa's goodbye and Dean's confession.

For me...the jury's still out on Sam. As I'm sure they want it to be since they haven't really given us a ton to chew on... :)

See you next epi!
pickamix
Oct. 30th, 2010 03:37 pm (UTC)
So I can except the concept of a soul in fiction because in fiction you have things like afterlives and you kind of need a soul for that. But in reality when people talk about souls they are talking about our minds or our conscience. No soul required. Having a conscience puts us one step above most other animals. So can we be human without a soul? Yes.

I'm glad we finally got somewhere with Sam...

I did end up watching the last episode and seeing Sam be different is a lot more annoying than reading about Sam being different. I don't like the storyline at all. I'm a Dean girl, but I got there because of Sam being who he was. You don't have Dean without Sam, so Sam being so fundamentally different bothers me to the point of not wanting to watch.

It isn't the only reason I'm not watching though. I also didn't want another mythology shoved down my throat because of the epic fail with the last one. I thought Sera was going smaller, but really she's just going on a different line. If this were just Sam and Dean hunting and Sam is different and we need to figure out Sam then I might actually still watch. But all this crap with Alphas and angel relics just doesn't interest me. I don't see it going anywhere good.

However, I do miss watching the boys be all hot... Jensen was super sexy last ep. But I need more than superficial reasons to watch a show on a regular basis. I need a good story. One that really engages me (without the need of a crutch).

Thanks for the ramble... it is my crutch for Supernatural.

"Til next week.
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:28 pm (UTC)
First, WOW! You watched! And yes...he's just so. very. pretty. (As Captain Mal Reynolds would say.) I hear you that it's not enough for dedication, but it sure does offer some sugar. :)

So I can except the concept of a soul in fiction because in fiction you have things like afterlives and you kind of need a soul for that. But in reality when people talk about souls they are talking about our minds or our conscience. No soul required. Having a conscience puts us one step above most other animals. So can we be human without a soul? Yes.

I suppose it all comes down to what we choose to believe. If one chooses to believe as you do, then yes, we can be human without souls.

I guess, too, it depends on how you define 'human.' I mean, if you're talking species ... as in not monkey or horse or lion or dog ... then it would be our brains and chemical and biological makeup that makes us human.

But if you're talking essence of a person and using that to define humanity, then what I choose to believe is that that is our soul -- the thing that makes us us.

I'm not saying that to try to convince you or anything -- I'd never presume to do so. I'm just saying, that's how I look at it. And that's why it works for me that without that essence you are not the same person.

The thing I want them to explain to me a bit more is that...well, if Dean sold his soul to the Crossroads demon -- just like all those other folks -- and they killed him to get it...how is Sam here? I mean, if Sam can be walking around, with all of his memories intact and able to function...is it just because he was in Hell that he wasn't killed???? And did it happen IN Hell? Or on the way out?? And did he give it up or did they take it?? BLARG.

*too many questions*

Hopefully I don't let you down as a crutch. :) It's always interesting to see your different perspective. And keeps me from getting too lost in the mire of my emotional mind. ;)

Until next epi!

Edited at 2010-11-01 03:29 pm (UTC)
qultng1
Oct. 30th, 2010 03:39 pm (UTC)
Show is grabbing me this season like it hasn't for a long time. A very long time. Was actually talking to the television last night. Hubs was doing something 'important' on his computer and had no idea what was going on, but looked up when I spoke/yelled.

Yes, Biggersons is THAT restaurant. :D They already had the sign, so what the hell, right?

The lady bartender's tshirt looked like the outline of bustiere to me. Cackled at that and Hubby looked up again. Don't know what it really was, but might by the time I've watched it again 5 or 6 times. :D

I looooooved Dean and tata girl. When he wished he luck and walked on, I was a bit surprised. But then DEAN backed up and I was all There he is! Very cute. No words required as is so often the case with him.

Bobby spilling his guts and Dean's reactions almost had me on the floor with laughter. Cackled again and Hubs looked up again. *waves him off*

I don't know what to think about the 'Lisa thing'. I soooo desperately want Dean to have her and Ben in his life. They keep him grounded. I guess time will tell, but I fear for all three of them in that regard. I'm so glad that she's important to him. She's perfect. She knows! It's like it was with Sarah for Sam. They both should have someone like that.

The dog's blood actually made me bristle. *waves hand* Animal lover here. Just one more check mark in the "Sam is Evil" column. :(

I had the same reaction as you to Dean's confession to Veritas. Very, very sad at how he sees himself, but we did know that his self esteem sux and he only sees value in himself in relation to what he can do for someone else...his job as Sam's protector, etc.

Also agree about Sam needing Dean. That part of what he told Dean in the beginning of the season was absolutely true, but #WTFSam? Sheesh! Is this how you show you need someone?

I was only slightly afraid that Sam would jump Dean when Dean turned around; was too busy anticipating Dean swinging at Sam. Dean ALWAYS starts a swing at Sam that way. It's like he needs the extra energy to put as much into it as he can. He really meant this one, too! I don't recall any of his punches knocking Sam off his feet before. When he kept pummeling Sam, I was cheering him on, sad to say, but it was necessary...for Dean to keep Sam down, for Dean to clear out his rage/fear/frustration/whatever. It WAS necessary. I think Dean and I both felt much better afterwards, but I did still have a couple of punches left in me. :(

I hope Sam can be fixed in the next week or two. We don't have much time before the holiday hiatus.

Lisa/Ben...I don't know. That just makes me very sad. :(

Next week looks awesome and we'd better not have any storms that night! lol

gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 03:36 pm (UTC)
I looooooved Dean and tata girl. When he wished he luck and walked on, I was a bit surprised. But then DEAN backed up and I was all There he is! Very cute. No words required as is so often the case with him.

OMG I know...that grin just totally did me in. I was smiling back at the TV like a fool. LOL!!

The dogs blood got to me, too. I wonder if Jared, as a dog lover, had an "urg" moment with that. But it's just one more brick in the "Sam Is A Better Hunting Machine" wall right now. *shudders*

When he kept pummeling Sam, I was cheering him on, sad to say, but it was necessary...for Dean to keep Sam down, for Dean to clear out his rage/fear/frustration/whatever. It WAS necessary. I think Dean and I both felt much better afterwards, but I did still have a couple of punches left in me. :(

I agree -- it was necessary. I've had some differing reactions to both that moment and how I reacted to that moment, but I think that it was necessary for this moment with them.

I'm with you on the no storms!! LOL!

See you next epi!

thruterryseyes
Oct. 30th, 2010 04:45 pm (UTC)
I was desperate to resd your take on last nites show and didn't take time to open he window for comments. Breakfast was late ta very much. This show was so sad and so hard to watch in some places, the scene wioth Liusa on thephone damn near killed me and when Dean told Sam it had just been a really bad day, his voice shook and damn near killed me again. But by the same token, the finny moments wee aslmost beyond fiunny, the scene with Bobby and Dean was priceless. I watched the dentist scene thru my hands and her taking a bite out of that guys tongue was just...

It was such a RELIEF to have Sam finally admit he was screwed up and I'm sorry, I threw every punch with Dean for every reason you listed. It was a Godawful trip getting here but maybe now we can get some healing.

The DVD is finalized for the eps so far so i'm gonna ewatch that one again later and kill myself all over again...
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 05:50 pm (UTC)
*hangs head in shame over late breakfast*

when Dean told Sam it had just been a really bad day, his voice shook and damn near killed me again

Guuuuhhhh I know. I just wanted to hug him and tell the world to back the eff off for a minute already!

I'm sorry, I threw every punch with Dean for every reason you listed

Thank you. I've seen very mixed reactions to that moment but I'm glad we're (as always) on the same page. :)

I think when we reach the mid-season hiatus, I might need to break my habit of not re-watching while the season airs and just have a SPN marathon to see how the bits and pieces of this story are coming together.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 30th, 2010 04:55 pm (UTC)
hey gaelic-it's meggin
First just let me say that when Dean was talking to that bartender just before he got cursed with the wish to have the truth...the camera focused on his eyes in natural light and their color...If I had been staring into those twin drowning pools of amber and green-I'd be babbling everything I knew too...before the added mojo of inescapable truth hit him. (thud)

But apart from that this episode was hard to watch for me.

Seeing Dean all twitchy around his brother? Gah! Dean has always been an army of one, always had that inner drive and bravery but somewhere inside I have to believe that he drew on that inner strength from being THAT close to his family, that special relationship he's always had with Sam. And now, not being able to trust the person he grew up with, was trained to expect had his back...it just gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "he's hanging in the breeze"-ya know?

Dean's Bobby's favorite! Hugs ((((Bobby))) for saying that.

And what lousy timing for Lisa to finally return Dean's call -huh? Dean knew the minute he heard her voice that NOTHING good was gonna come out of that conversation, but he let her say her piece, partly because what she said was true and partly because he felt so bad about what he's done ( being so messed up for that year) and what he feared he'd do that he agreed with her. And it broke my heart more than any scene I've seen him do. Because it was like watching him...implode.

Damn, I didn't want to loose that part of him. I loved the softened expressions we got to see on Dean's face when he was with them, his "chosen" family. I said it before and I'll say it again Jensen did a great job letting those expressions come forth from the usually hardened, world weary features of Dean Winchester and I'm real sorry that, if this is the end of the Lisa and Ben story arc, we won't get to see him "play" with that repertoire of expressions again.

I like how Bobby helped define Dean's purpose right now by calling Sam his "case", to research and pursue like the professional hunter he is. And throw himself into it he will. Because if Lisa and Ben are truly out of the picture then there isn't anything more important in this world to him than finding out what's wrong with Sam.

Do I trust Sam? Hell no. Jared did a excellent job of making us believe that he was scrambling to find the right emotion to fit the occasion. Like feelings were such a foreign thing to him now. For Sammy EMO was his native languege, for notSam it's a second recently accrued one and he hasn't got all the idioms down yet. There is that lost in translation delay as he tries to process what the correct response should be. It's chilling to watch.

It also makes me think how much Sam's emotionless behavior and rationalizing seems so much like an addicts behavior. There is a fine line between how he rationalized drinking demon blood and now is rationalizing staying compassion-less- he sees that both things made him a better hunter. When did that line get crossed for him? It seems like Sam has been on this path way before he did his swan dive into the pit.

And the loss of Lisa and Ben in Deans life compounded with a second loss of Sammy makes me ache for Dean because once again he is alone emotionally. And Dean doesn't do alone well.

I think Dean, to some extent, has defined who he believes himself to be through the people that he is closest to. A dangerously codependant thing to do. If you are who you think you are because of the people around you and they turn out to be false??? Then WTF? Because IF Sam does not come back to the person Dean has always percieved him to be...what will that do to Dean's world view and perception of himself?

Might be the man is in for a major Identity crisis.

gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 05:55 pm (UTC)
Re: hey gaelic-it's meggin
...the camera focused on his eyes in natural light and their color...If I had been staring into those twin drowning pools of amber and green-I'd be babbling everything I knew too...

*cracks up*

Oh, honey, I know exactly what you mean. :)

And it broke my heart more than any scene I've seen him do. Because it was like watching him...implode.

*rubs heart* I know, right? It hurts just thinking back on it.

I think Dean, to some extent, has defined who he believes himself to be through the people that he is closest to. A dangerously codependant thing to do.

I agree with this on multiple levels. I can totally identify with it, too. It's taken much of my life and some pretty hard life-lessons for me to find pieces of me inside what I deem is okay. So often I've defined myself by what I feel I'm able to do for others, who I am to them - and I connected to that in Dean.

And it scares me and hurts me and validates me all at once.

Messed up, huh?

Thank you as always for commenting. So good to hear from you.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 30th, 2010 05:07 pm (UTC)
Christ on a cracker, Sam
You are a wonderful writer and are usually very respectful of faith.
Please be respectful when referring to a diety.
gaelicspirit
Oct. 30th, 2010 08:22 pm (UTC)
Re: Christ on a cracker, Sam
Hi Anonymous.

I apologize -- I meant no disrespect. I've pulled that phrase from the ramble. I was simply caught up in the moment and to be honest, have heard that and worse on the show, so I didn't see it the same way you did.

Next time you comment, let me know who you are. I appreciate the 'wonderful writer' comment.
chiiyo86
Oct. 30th, 2010 07:13 pm (UTC)
That was a tough episode, and Dean was really in such a hard situation - I think it's really over with Lisa, unfortunately, but I hope that they going to talk again later so they can at least be friends.

About Sam, I'm going to be lazy and copy-paste what I said on someone else's journal (it'a a little long and rambly).

"As for Sam, I think that's really interesting what is happening to him. I think he's still Sam, I still see a lot of Sam in him - even his "the end justifies the means" mentality is an attitude he'd had in the past. I don't think he's completely robotic or anything like that - he knows something is wrong with him, it bothers him on a certain level, he seems to be able to feel a certain amount of frustration and satisfaction and remembers enough about feelings to be able to fake them, to a certain extent. When it comes to morality, I find interesting how feelings relates to the sense of what is right or wrong. Sam seems to know the difference between right and wrong, but not having feelings make him look at it differently. Take the torture of the kid in 6.03 - it is wrong, obviously, but it can be seen as a wrong done to prevent a greater wrong, the death of many people (it can be said that it saved the kid too, because knowing that Balthazar owned his soul allowed them to make him give it back to the kid). Of course we can't look at it that rationally, because we can feel how horrible torturing a child and that's what spurs the moral debate. But without feelings, Sam can look at it that way. It doesn't make Sam not accountable for his actions, because as I said I feel that this is still fundamentally Sam (no possession, no shapesifter, etc), but that makes for an interesting moral debate. As a side note, I kinda liked when Sam said to Dean about the vampire thing "I knew you could handle it" because I like that even if he's not able to love his brother right now, he still has a solid trust in him.

***spoilers for the promo***

That being said, I'm a bit skeptic if it turns out (as it sounds in the promo) that Sam is missing his whole soul. Given what we have been told before, I would think that missing your soul means you're dead, and the soul have always seemed to represent the whole person, so that would mean that what remains is merely Sam's body, and it's not the feeling I've had. I could buy him missing part of his soul - after all, there are several theories of the soul that makes the soul have parts. But this is only the promo, so I will wait until we have the whole story. :)"

Also, I think Sam said the truth at the end, but I understand why would Dean be wary - he should be wary, it would be stupid to take what Sam said at face value now.
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 05:58 pm (UTC)
I think he's still Sam, I still see a lot of Sam in him - even his "the end justifies the means" mentality is an attitude he'd had in the past. I don't think he's completely robotic or anything like that - he knows something is wrong with him, it bothers him on a certain level, he seems to be able to feel a certain amount of frustration and satisfaction and remembers enough about feelings to be able to fake them, to a certain extent.

I very much agree with this.

And it started me thinking about something. When Dean returned from Hell...he was wrecked. Just destroyed on multiple levels. He physically hurt. His heart was broken. His soul bruised.

But Sam? Sam said he was okay. He remembers it, but...meh. No big deal. And now we know he can't feel anything. That nothing scares him.

If, as the promo said, that is because his soul (in part or in whole) is gone, and if that soul can be returned...what, I wonder, will that mean to Sam's feelings about what happened in Hell, however long he was there?

*ponders*

You're very right. We are going to have to wait for the whole story.

*sits on hands*

See you later!
(Anonymous)
Oct. 30th, 2010 07:46 pm (UTC)
I am such a nerd. I read this last night, before you had any comments, and I was so excited to be the first, but then couldn't figure out how to post a comment. Ugh.

So here I am, at the back of the heap again. But at least I'm here!

So, did anyone have a problem with how easy they figured out who Veritas was? I mean, the only reason I noticed her in the earlier scene (on a television in the background) was because you had mentioned that someone a few weeks back on a screen was Jensen's dad, so I looked to see if she was anyone we should know. But besides that, come on, give me something to hang on to. And then, she has this macabre lair upstairs in this corporate building. Was it the TV station? I can't remember. And no one noticed? What about the cleaning crew? I know I'm being nit picky, but when the stuff is glaringly out of proportion it takes away from the awesomeness that is Dean, I mean the show.

I'm also wondering, if Sam has no soul, feels nothing, why did he wait a year to get Dean? The excuse he gave was that he wanted Dean to have that life he deserved. But if he feels nothing, then he wouldn't care about that. Or did the writers decide to go with the lack of soul after the first episode? I doubt it because SN has been really good up until now about tying everything together. But let's not forget that there's a whole new group of writers out there.

And where does Bobby fit in? I'm still mad at him for keeping Dean in the dark for a year too.

Someone wrote in the comments that she wasn't sure how much more she could take of Dean grief (I'm paraphrasing) and I'm sort of in the same boat. I love my dean pain and suffering but enough already.

And, I know I've said this before, but I want the brothers I fell in love with back - you know, season one and two brothers. I know they will never be the same, too much water under that bridge, but they've thrown so much into that divide, that it may be utterly impossible for them to ever have a semblance of the relationship I fell in love with. This might be the last season, and I just hope that in the second half, they can get some of that fierce loyalty to each other back. Because as much as I love Dean hurt, it's not nearly as much fun to watch if Sam isn't there, torn up and worried about him.

More than two cents today.

I know I don't comment often, but want you to know that I read often. :-)

E.
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 06:28 pm (UTC)
Hee hee -- you've gotta be quick over here! :)

So, did anyone have a problem with how easy they figured out who Veritas was?

To be honest with you, I've stopped trying to close these gaps. Sometimes it seems like a leap, sometimes I feel like I missed something, and sometimes it makes sense. Mostly I just "go with it" to get to the next stop. :)

And then, she has this macabre lair upstairs in this corporate building. Was it the TV station? I can't remember.

They followed her from the news station to her apartment/house/place.

I'm also wondering, if Sam has no soul, feels nothing, why did he wait a year to get Dean? The excuse he gave was that he wanted Dean to have that life he deserved. But if he feels nothing, then he wouldn't care about that.

Yeah, I'm not sure what his thought process was about the wait. I'm hoping we get more depth in the next couple episodes. I want to think that the writers always had this soul plan, though. Whether or not it's The Reason Sam's all wonky, I want to think it was always part of the arc.

Because otherwise, it would be too loosey-goosey. They need a plan. Y'know?

I want the brothers I fell in love with back - you know, season one and two brothers. I know they will never be the same, too much water under that bridge, but they've thrown so much into that divide, that it may be utterly impossible for them to ever have a semblance of the relationship I fell in love with.

I think about that, too. I mean, I'm okay with them not being exactly the same as S1/S2. In fact, I don't want them to be. Because that wouldn't be realistic. But I don't want them to be strangers and that's how they feel right now.

So, I continue to hold out hope that they'll heal our boys and unite them once more. I'll hold out that hope until the moment they end it all.

*rubs heart*
jackfan2
Oct. 30th, 2010 07:58 pm (UTC)
You know, that whole 'Sam doesn't have a soul' is just too... easy. Way too early to make that kind of reveal for the season, well, unless that's going to be the story arc for this entire 6th season, getting Sam's soul back, or whatever.

Still. I'm not buying the soulless Sam bit and this firms my decision:

If not having a soul was the big reveal, why give it up for free during the preview? Personally, if what's wrong with him is that he didn't have a soul, I don't see why he'd feel at all compelled to do all the lying in the first place. A lie is an attempt to obscure the truth. What motivation does Sam have to conceal the truth? Shame & fear. Those are feelings.


That comment wasn't mine but another gal whose journal is F-Locked but my good buddy adrenalineshots is on her FLIST so she pulled that and showed it to me. She and I both are hoping this soul-less Sam thing is just a ploy for a larger issue.

I think the certain regrettable things that Cas has been forced to might play into Sam's subterfuge. Perhaps Cas will have to force Sam's lie into next weeks ep, help keep Dean in the dark. I dunno, but I don't buy Sam's soul-less issue. Not yet.

Judging by the way Dean kept hitting Sam, maybe he doesn't buy it either. Again, if Sam didn't feel, why did he FEEL it was important to keep it from Dean? Was he worried Dean would judge him? Worried? That would be an emotion.

Again. I cry foul. This ain't the heart of this season; God I hope not.
gaelicspirit
Nov. 1st, 2010 06:52 pm (UTC)
So, you don't think Sam's soulless period? Or you don't think that his missing his soul (or part of it, as the case may be) is the reason he's acting all hinky?

I would actually be okay with there being an additional reason. I mean, have it be, Sam doesn't have his soul AND there being something else going on -- like how/why he and Gramps are both back and all of that.

But I do buy that Sam is missing his soul. I want to believe the best about Sam because he's Dean's brother and has been Dean's whole life and I don't want Dean's whole life to be reduced to working through the mystery of a person who had been a hero when he sacrificed himself for the world and went to Hell and is now...what? A monster?

That's not the fate I want for my hero.

So I want there to be hope for Sam.

Again, if Sam didn't feel, why did he FEEL it was important to keep it from Dean? Was he worried Dean would judge him? Worried? That would be an emotion.

Yeah, that's a really good point and one that I want an answer to. One of the many things I want an answer to. I don't know that I think he can't feel any emotion.

Obviously he felt fear. And he's shown he feels random things like irritation and anger (though mild). And he feels excitment and/or happiness on certain levels.

He's not a robot.

But what he's not feeling is remorse or empathy or concern...any of the things that in the past had made Sam Sam.

So...I think they have more explaining to do. And I'm on board with there being more than "just" this as the heart of the season, but I think this is a big part of it.

The Deangirl in me, though, has decided to take a breath and accept that this arc is about Sam. And that's okay. Because we get to see how this arc hits Dean, over and over, each week.

*shrug*
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marlowe78
Oct. 30th, 2010 08:23 pm (UTC)
First of all, before I talk TO you, let me talk AT you a second

I FREAKING LOVED THIS EPISODE!

I don't even know why I loved it so much. I can't say what exactly it was. Well, it MIGHT be the ending. Certainly a big win for me. (Are we in for a longer wait? Because they usually do these awesome middle-of-the-moment stops when they're hanging us out to dry. Which suddenly got an innuendo a mile wide, because I think Dean looked more delicious than ever *blush*)

Ok.

On to the show.

(And beware, it's 17.000+ characters!)

you ever noticed how Bobby always has dishes in the sink and a pot or pan on the stove? I think that’s kinda funny actually. He’s either always cooking, always eating, or just never has time to fully do the dishes.
*laughs*
Good point. I kinda noticed, in the distracted way. Like I always thought he is just a bit slobby. But now that we know how full his schedule is, he actually might have problems finding time for crap like that. On the other hand, that belly must come from somewhere, right?

Dean: I don’t even want to ride in the car with him, let alone work a case.

And THAT is such an honest and freaky sentence. I mean, I wouldn't either. I'd be flinching whenever he even looked at me. And throughout the episode, it came across loud and clear that Dean is SCARED of Sam. That is so wrong and so right at the same time!
He should be scared after what happened. After he saw Sam watching him get turned. But it's Sam, and he shouldn't HAVE to be afraid.
*shudder*

I might get skewered for this, and if the roles were reversed, I might be a little put-out that I was seeing more things from Sam’s POV, but the thing is, this entire arch is about Sam.
Yeah, it is. I mean, if I weren't such a Dean-person, I might be a bit miffed about the lack of Sam. I get why some might be saying 'Oh noes, it's again 'the Dean-show', I hate that'. I think they don't really GET the show, but that might be just me (being overly smart, heehee)
And... it starts to get a bit annoying, I admit. I like being strung along and mystified, I do. But this "black-white"-thing they got going with Dean being the white-ish one because Sam clearly is black-ish... that's just annoying. Dean is no shiny knight! He is blood-spattered, battle-worn and his armor is rust-covered and held together with spit and some prayers.
I'm just glad that we sometimes get a hint of that.

I just finished with s1 (ahhh, those better times...) and man, Dean was FREAKY in Devils Trap. I always wondered why HE didn't read the exorcism, but anyway, the way he just... well, killed Meg and sent her demon to Hell (breaking a promise, which Meg-demon was surprisingly upset about. I kinda think she was really comparatively innocent then. Remember how shocked and hurt she was that her brother shot her? uh...sorry. what was I saying?) oh. yeah. Dean was never really cold-blooded, but he just shut off that stuff and did what he thought was right. Sam, the innocent one then, wasn't far off when he said his brother scared him.

Oh. And that seems still there, somewhere. Dean scared Sam. Something in Dean made bigbadHunter-Sam scared.

I'll get back to that later.

tbc
marlowe78
Oct. 30th, 2010 08:27 pm (UTC)

Sam—who is so revved up about a new case he’s practically bouncing on his toes—

In many ways, I've seen Sam behave like a kid in the season so far. He is so awfully PROUD when he did something well, or what he thought was well-done. When Dean woke up in S1, Sam was all... happy and proud that he saved Dean, that he was back and could show Dean not only that HE was alive, but also that there were more family out there. He was nearly BEAMING.

And you caught one other instance there. When they're hunting, he gets all giddy and near-happy, because he can DO something. He can do good, kill things and save people, though he'd be fine without saving people, you sometimes think. It's the IDEA of people he cares about, not the actual people. But when he hunts, he IS someone.

So he hunts. And not much else.

I told you about "Dexter" last time. And I think that fits still well. Dexter has a sister, who he... well, he doesn't love her. He cares about her, but not really. He cares about her because he was told that's what people do. Not because he really feels anything for her.

In Calumet City, the boys are suited up

And don't they look awesome?


Heh. There’s the subtle political barbs I’ve not heard for a bit. *chuckles*
*pouts*
No clue about that barb. Tell me?

Sam’s totally creeping both me and the sister out as he snarls at her that she has a tell—tucking her hair behind her ears—and he knows she’s lying.

That scene was awesome!! Not only because of creepy-Sam (and thumbs-up for JP, because he looked actually scary, not constipated and *mysterious*!) but because of the woman, the IDEA of the plot and Dean watching, being creepy as well.

And because there wasn't anything else to do to get that vital information!

But—recoiling from him is 100 times better than not reacting to him at all. So kudos to Jared for the way he’s slipping on a different skin.

YES! I might have told about the way this *mystery* Sam annoyed me. (or was it somewhere else?) But today, I was mollified. I was a bit scared that JP was losing his acting-skills. I know he likes the play sinister, but he... well, he didn't really succeed before. Not for me. He only looked kinda face-lifted. Or botoxed. JP has a face made for expressions. And playing blank doesn't suit him.
This ep, he played real good. *bows*


tbc
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bagginsdvm
Oct. 30th, 2010 08:26 pm (UTC)
Goodness, how much more pain can a man endure? Even if he got to mete out a bit of physical pain (and that was absolutely brutal!) Dean has encountered way more mental pain than anyone should be allowed to handle. I admire Lisa for saying that of course she expects someone to freak out when having to deal with what Dean has, & for being so understanding & supportive of him, but at the same time she has to protect her son, & thus has to let Dean go. But Dean needs her & Ben. He confesses to Veritas that he does want a family but believes that he is a killer, not a father. OK, my heart shattered into a million pieces with that bit of truth. Oh Dean, how I wish you could see what a good man you really are!!

I felt so sorry for Sam at the end too. Getting pummeled by Dean (which in a way, I think "better hunter than ever" Sam let Dean do it because he knew he deserved it for his actions; even without being able to feel empathy for what he'd put Dean through, I think he could still step back & observe that it was just wrong to treat another person like that). I don't think he knows why or how he was returned to earth & is aware now of how empty he is inside. Maybe it took being near Dean again to realize that hollowness, or maybe it was the emptiness that finally compelled him to go to Dean after a year of staying away.

Gaelic, I liked your parallel of Cas & Sam, the replacing of human feeling with power & strength. My heart hurt for Cas too in this episode. There is a lot more to his story to learn yet. It seems as if he feels very much alone too.

I just want to give all of our guys a big hug!
Dawn
gaelicspirit
Nov. 2nd, 2010 01:49 am (UTC)
OK, my heart shattered into a million pieces with that bit of truth. Oh Dean, how I wish you could see what a good man you really are!!

I KNOW! I got a little choked up just reading your words. *sniff*

which in a way, I think "better hunter than ever" Sam let Dean do it because he knew he deserved it for his actions; even without being able to feel empathy for what he'd put Dean through, I think he could still step back & observe that it was just wrong to treat another person like that

You might be onto something there.

I liked your parallel of Cas & Sam, the replacing of human feeling with power & strength

Thanks for seeing that. It kinda caught me as I was writing this up.

I, too, want to give them a hug. *BIG HEALING VIRTUAL GROUP HUG*
immie_8
Oct. 30th, 2010 09:43 pm (UTC)
Hey gaelic,

Wonderful meta! I have to say the end is what made this episode for me. And I so agree thta it was rather a relief to see Dean snap at Sam. And more than that, I think Dean is just damn tired of having to clean-up after Sam and having to fix Sam and make things right for Sam. I mean after everything he put Dean through he thinks that asking Dean to do more for him is a good idea?!?

Dean just walking away. Just leaving the ball in Sam's court and saying sayonara, maybe for a while.

Marlowe, I kind of wanted Dean to do this as well. Especially condsidering that when Dean got turned into a vampire it was pretty much all on him to ensure that the cure would work. I really think that there needs to be a lot of onus on Sam to fix himself, because good Lord knows that Dean has felt responisble for Sam for far too long.

I still hold out hope for Dean and Lisa, and hope that Dean takes Lisa's words to heart. Dean isn't going to be happy as long as his relationship with Sam stays status quo. There's no room for him and his needs in that relationship as it stands right now and that has to change.

And Cas - Cas is pure love. His relationship with Dean strange in too many ways to count, but there's love and friendship there, and I just know that if push came to shove they'd choose to walk though Heaven and Hell to help each other. And often I find myself wishing that Dean and Sam's relationship looked more like theirs - especially because it seems so honest. Dean tells Cas exactly what he thinks of his new view on life (and not answering prayers) and Cas lays out what's going on in his life and why he's changed.
gaelicspirit
Nov. 2nd, 2010 01:51 am (UTC)
And I so agree thta it was rather a relief to see Dean snap at Sam. And more than that, I think Dean is just damn tired of having to clean-up after Sam and having to fix Sam and make things right for Sam. I mean after everything he put Dean through he thinks that asking Dean to do more for him is a good idea?!?

Yes! Exactly. :) Thank you.

There's no room for him and his needs in that relationship as it stands right now and that has to change

Totally agree.

I love the relationship with Cas, too, even as I'm often puzzled by it. I am glad they found a way to keep that character involved in the storyline. :)

See you next week?
(no subject) - immie_8 - Nov. 3rd, 2010 12:55 am (UTC) - Expand
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