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I'm still here

I did a dumb thing tonight. Well, it was only dumb because it got me all...pensive.

I got on LJ to try to finish tightening up Chapter 8 of my latest story "Night of the Hunter" and try to get it posted -- mainly because I've been trying really hard to post a chapter a week until it's completed -- but first I thought I'd check my f-list and I came across someone upset by a comment in an anon meme. I don't get those things. I don't understand their purpose. But. I decided to randomly search through one and saw my name.

Someone was asking if I was still around -- saying the last story of mine they'd read (several months back) wasn't really their cup of tea. Others said they thought I was still doing episode reactions and that I was still in fandom, but were not sure. [ETA: Just so you know, what troubled me wasn't the story comment...it was the fact that they knew my name, but weren't sure if I were still around. It felt like for a minute there...I was disappearing.]

I'm still here. *waves*

I'm still writing -- just slower than before because RL has decided that I make a good hacky-sack. I'm still reviewing. I'm still as much a part of fandom as I ever was (which is to say...I mostly lurk outside of the reviews and fic). I haven't gone anywhere.

This has been a wicked hard summer, and the last two years have kinda...taken the wind out of my sails. But writing fic and watching our boys and talking with you guys...it's what grounds me. Keeps me sane. Reminds me that I can be more than just my endless job and more than just caring for a sick husband, and more than just a mom, more than just a member of a crazy family.

In the same vein -- I want to hear about you guys. The good and the bad. I swear I try to keep up on my f-list; I'll do a better job at that. Because I don't want you to wonder if I care to hear. I care to hear.

I don't know that I have a reason for why it's so important that ya'll know I'm still around. But it is. So...I just thought I'd say it.

And when I get back home from this work trip and get a chance to breathe, I will post the next chapter of my fic. So...hopefully those of you who know I'm still around and are reading it continue to enjoy. ;)


( 67 Tall Tales — Tell Me A Story )
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Sep. 14th, 2012 03:03 am (UTC)
How funny! I just started rereading 'Wearing and Tearing' tonight--I read fanfic on my kindle while I cycle at the health club, and I have all of your stories on it :)

I guess I haven't noticed you missing here because I see your posts on facebook and know how life has been pretty intense for you recently.

And just so you know, I haven't started your new story because I don't have the focus needed for WIP stories, even if they are finished--I forget too much between instalments to enjoy them properly. I am eagerly awaiting the final post so I can dive into it!

And I'm really looking forward to your reviews when show starts up again!
Sep. 14th, 2012 03:20 am (UTC)
Oh, Kindles are wonderful for fanfic! I can read and not be at my computer! Hooray! :)

I didn't really notice me missing here, either, but I think it was because it's the hiatus, and I've been busy.... You know the drill. I can't even really explain why it troubled me so much to see that some people weren't even sure I was still around. It felt like I disappeared there for a moment. Marty McFly at the end of Back to the Future. ;)

I'm sure there's a psychological reason lurking in there that I'm choosing not to explore.

I look forward to your thoughts on the story when it's done -- which it will HAVE TO be before October 3rd because...well, just because! LOL!

kindle and fan fic - looselyspeaking - Oct. 21st, 2012 03:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: kindle and fan fic - gaelicspirit - Oct. 22nd, 2012 03:42 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - saberivojo - Sep. 14th, 2012 11:12 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - borgmama1of5 - Sep. 15th, 2012 06:01 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - gaelicspirit - Sep. 16th, 2012 07:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 14th, 2012 03:03 am (UTC)
Er - oops! Sorry for the distraction. Man, I didn't know you searched for yourself in anon meme. Well, the bit of critique is maybe the best kind, at least? Nothing about your story being awful, just not to the reader's taste. AND - it sounds like you've been missed. That's a great thing.
Sep. 14th, 2012 03:24 am (UTC)
Oh, gosh, don't apologize! It mainly started because I was wondering how one would find themselves in such a sea of comments -- especially if it's all anon and one doesn't frequent them, y'know?

And I wasn't as troubled by the "not my cup of tea" comment as I was by the idea that people who know my name (fandom-wise) weren't sure if I was even still around.

I can take a critique or two -- and I definitely don't expect my style to be everyone's style -- but there's something in me that needs to not be forgotten around the small group who know me on LJ. Not yet, anyway.

Everything ends. One day, SPN fandom and fanfic writing will, too. But I'm not ready for it to yet, and I didn't want to be too far gone from people's minds -- especially in this virtual world of ours -- before I was ready.

I don't even know if that makes sense. I just wanted people who wander by my journal to know that, well, I'm still here! :) *waves*

Edited at 2012-09-14 03:24 am (UTC)
Sep. 14th, 2012 03:10 am (UTC)
You are one of the better writers in fandom, hon. We're definitely all glad that you're still around, but I think it's safe to say most of us are happy to wait for your fics because they're worth the wait.

I'll also add that I've never read anything of yours that wasn't up to snuff. But those anonymous posters love to take their digs at people just because they can.
Sep. 14th, 2012 03:26 am (UTC)
Thank you, my friend. It's good to hear that. And I'm glad you're here, too! I am happy to hear from you!

Also, it wasn't comment about my story that bothered me as much as it was the fact that they didn't even know if I were here still. I don't expect what I like to be liked by everyone. I just didn't like the feeling that I was disappearing a bit.

So, just wanted you all to know, I'm here. If you need me, my eyes are open. ;)

Sep. 14th, 2012 03:32 am (UTC)
Obviously those people that weren't sure if you were still around are not "friends" and have no idea the "crap" your life has dealt you recently. Which would explain your absence, in their minds only, from LJ. How very weird though to read those kinds of comments about yourself in an Anon meme. That would weird me out a little.

I look forward to your posting of Ch 8, whenever you have the chance to post. Hope your trip has been successful.
Sep. 14th, 2012 03:40 am (UTC)
You're right -- I mean, it was an anon meme, right? I don't know why I let it get to me. You guys know where I've been, that I'm here. And here for you if you need me.

I WILL be better at following up with my f-list, though. That is definitely my bad. I need to make sure to follow through.

I really wanted to post chapter 8 tonight, but it's been a buuuuusssyyyy week. My brain. She is fried. And I miss my guy and girl. Which is probably why I'm over-sensitive about disappearing. *laugh*

Silly Gaelic.
(no subject) - metallidean_grl - Sep. 14th, 2012 03:52 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 14th, 2012 03:47 am (UTC)
Silly Gaelic.

Take care of yourself and if you need to slow things down, then do so. People who follow you will wait (im)patiently until you've recovered.
Sep. 14th, 2012 03:49 am (UTC)
Silly Gaelic, indeed.

Y'know what I think would make me feel less like I was disappearing? If I made MORE of an effort to comment on other people's journals. One sweep of my f-list/day would be good.

So, be prepared for a sweeping. Because you are definitely on my list and I care to hear what's happening with you.

Still...it's a good thing we've got Twitter. ;)
(no subject) - yasminke - Sep. 14th, 2012 03:54 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 14th, 2012 03:51 am (UTC)
This is why I'm glad I'm your friend on Facebook too. I KNOW you're around, and crazy busy. You might be wondering about ME! I'm a crazy lady right now trying to balance work, storytelling, family, health issues, etc. I haven't been home a single night this week. It makes me tired.

I'm still struggling with insomnia, and my shoulder still hurts MONTHS after I slipped on the ice. I had to have an MRI, and I have bursitis. Now we're waiting to see if I should have a cortizone shot, or if I just live with mild pain forever. The whole thing makes me grouchy.

On a PLUS note, I just got back from getting my Rowan's senior photos. I'll post them on Facebook very soon. They're so pretty! She's almost grown! *sniff*
Sep. 14th, 2012 03:57 am (UTC)
*glomps you*

I HAVE been wondering about you!! I see your posts about storytelling and the cookie experiment and your girls and I'm all "HI, YOU!" but we never get to talk and catch up. I know you've been reviewing the story, but that seems like such a...wave, y'know? Not like chatting and such.

It might sound funny, but...when some people -- yourself, for instance -- comment on the SPN reviews, I feel like I get such a glimpse into them as people and what matters to them and where they are in their life journey. We may be talking about an episode of a TV show, but it just feels like...more.

You have been busy! I totally hear you on how the constant constantness of life (yes, it's a word...go with it) can make one tired. Oh. So. Tired.

I hope you are able to get a shot. I had to get one after I hurt my shoulder falling off a horse in college and got a frozen shoulder. The shot hurt liked hell, but afterwards, I was able to do the PT and the chronic pain resided. I don't want to think of you in mild pain forever. That's no way to live. :(

Senior photos?! I can't even..... I can't wait to see them on Facebook! :) I don't want Mo Chuisle's front teeth to grow in anytime soon. She still looks like a little kid. When they grow in...she's going to start looking like a BIG kid. *sniff*

They will always be our baby girls, though.

*hugs you*
Sep. 14th, 2012 05:10 am (UTC)
Hey, if people don't know if you're around, it could also be because they haven't been around much.
I havent has time, btw, to read chap. 7, so if you posted this eve, I'm thrilled I'll get to read two chapters!
Sep. 16th, 2012 07:57 pm (UTC)
This is a very good point. Maybe they just haven't been here, either. :)

I didn't get it posted on Thursday, but I AM posting today (Sunday). Then I should be back on track to get it all posted before the boys are back. :)

Hope you enjoy!
Sep. 14th, 2012 05:24 am (UTC)
What have I said about those cowardly chickenshit spineless gutless anons and their boards?
Yeah, remember that.
One of the reasons they go anon is because they can trash somebody out and do it without being called on it. I could see an anon board for certain reasons. Like maybe people that were dealing with issues like alcoholism, drug rehab, rape survivors, teenagers, divorce, etc. But these anons aren't doing anything like that to better themselves.

If they really cared, they'd be asking you personally what was going on and not anonymously. If they knew you even a little they'd know you had several plates you're busy keeping spinning.

Don't worry about your friends. We know what's going on and we understand. We're here to stay. As for the anons? What they think or say doesn't mean as much as a fart in a whirlwind. You just take of yourself and your family. Everything else will fall into place.
Sep. 16th, 2012 08:02 pm (UTC)
First -- LOVE your avi. Second -- SO good to hear from you. I've missed you over this hiatus.

I guess I never really got the point of the anon sites. So you're right. I need to let it go. And being able to hear from people like you helps because then I know we're BOTH still here.

*hugs you*
(no subject) - heartlessbytchh - Sep. 16th, 2012 09:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 14th, 2012 06:37 am (UTC)
*big hug!*

Sometimes real life can kinda take priority over fandom....whether or not you want it to...and kinda knock ya for a doozy. Doesn't mean you're not around or dropped off the fanfic wagon...just RL happened.

just gonna give you a real big hug and at pat on the back....you've gone thru your share of trials and still managed to keep up with LJ and such.....my own RL has had me for such a spin, I've had to drop off fandom and other things i love just to survive.

See u on fb,
Sep. 16th, 2012 08:03 pm (UTC)
You've had quite a time of it lately, hon. Thank you for taking time to reach out and give me a hug. *right back atcha*

Still praying that you'll find some balance and peace.

Sep. 14th, 2012 06:54 am (UTC)
Hmm. I don't think you're 'that' quiet. Silly people that are not keeping up with you and your life. If they cared to keep an eye on LJ, they would know. Or FB. Oh well.

So looking forward to Chapter 8 whenever it's ready and I am definitely looking forward to your episode breakdowns once Show is back on the air. :D

And don't worry. I for one am going nowhere. You're too good a writer and too wonderful a person. :)
Sep. 16th, 2012 08:05 pm (UTC)
See, I didn't really think I was, either. But...maybe it's because I know where I am. ;)

Chapter 8 to come tonight (Sunday). Traveling always turns my schedule for anything outside of work on its ear. But after today I should be back on track with the story. Sorry about that. :)

I'm glad you're sticking with me, my friend. I would miss you. A lot.
(no subject) - cathy1967 - Sep. 16th, 2012 08:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 14th, 2012 07:48 am (UTC)
I get you on the disappearing vibe.. been feeling it pretty often myself (just in RL, not online). The thing to remember is: those people who wonder where you'd gone to must not be your mutual friends on LJ / on Facebook, otherwise they would know what you've been going through these last 2 years. Us who do - care & we're here for the long haul :) BTW - good things like your fic? are worth the wait. I'm a bit behind myself but soon the (summer) school assignments will be over! Then your story shall be devoured ;)

As for me? Might have to write you an e-mail, it's a bit personal to share here. Our Jewish holidays are starting, & this Sunday we celebrate our New Year's, so I'll take this opportunity to wish happy, healthy, wonderful times to you and to your guy & girl, & may all that you wish for yourself come true. *hugs*

p.s. Did you get to see the ocean?
p.s.2: Our boys are back in 3 weeks! FINALLY! *does happy dance* I'm all excited for season 8 :)

Talk to you soon.
Sep. 16th, 2012 08:13 pm (UTC)
Disappearing in real life is a lot tougher of a feeling than disappearing online. I see you, though. I see your FB posts and your lyrics and even the posts you write in Hebrew that I can't understand. ;)

Send me an email anytime, my friend. I would love to catch up, and I'm a good listener. You can feel free to reach out anytime you just need to talk through something. I'm here.

Happy New Year to you! :) May this one offer you love and laughter, and may the best day of your past be the worst day of your future. :)

PS - YES! I'll try to post some more pics on FB, but I had to do a team building event that took me out to the beach. In jeans and sneakers, but still!

PS2 - YAY THREE WEEKS!! I'm so excited for S8. Have you seen the gag reel for S7? There's a part where Jensen can't get his line that just kills me every time.
(no subject) - jesters_tear82 - Sep. 17th, 2012 07:39 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 14th, 2012 09:40 am (UTC)
waves back
Well they can't have tried very hard to look for you, could they??!!
I'm waiting for your story to be complete before I read because my goldfish memory has trouble remembering what happened last chapter when there's a week gap. Oh to have a brain that worked, eh?
Life as a hacky sack really sucks, doesn't it? I so hope everything starts looking up for you soon dear. May the road rise with you for a change....

And Gaelic-musings start again in a few weeks - not long to 3rd October now!! Woo hoo!
Sep. 16th, 2012 08:16 pm (UTC)
Re: waves back
*jumps up and down and waves and grins*

Hi! :)

The goal is to have the story finished before the premiere on Oct 3rd. There are three more chapters, so if I can focus and drink lots of caffeine, I should be able to hit it. :) I expect to see you then, missy! :)

I can't wait for our boys to be back. It's going to be interesting Rambling on a school night -- especially because Mo Chuisle is actually IN school now -- but I'm looking forward to it.

And I'm ready to not be a hacky sack -- at least for awhile. The hubs seems to be getting better, though. His color is back and he's not moving quite as much like an 80 year old man, so I'm cautiously encouraged. :)

Talk soon!
Re: waves back - amberdreams - Sep. 16th, 2012 08:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 14th, 2012 11:29 am (UTC)
Is that anon thing still going? Wow, is that gossip place still driving itself into a foaming froth of conspiracy theories too then? Um, don't worry, it's not worth answering those questions, they are what they are/were and I've avoided. I certainly never post anything publicly any longer as at least they still hold the f-lock in some respect and since they started many more have done the same, even locking down their fic. If they missed you, it's probably just because of hiatus and their never ending demands to be entertained by fandom in public spaces.

I think on the whole, SPN fandom is definitely shrinking and it's definitely splitting - Twitter, Tumblr, AO3 and to a lesser extent L/Js own problems have all taken their toll, as have the "shipping wars" and "favourite character" spats. Show itself has maybe changed too much now for me to hold it as dear as I once did. I'm still watching, it's still my favourite show, but I'm pretty sure I'll never feel enough for it to vid again and I'm not even finding much reading goes on either. That makes me very sad and when I'm like that I tend to avoid fandom as everything just pisses me off!

I never seem to keep up with your reviews, I get tangled up trying to find downloads while avoiding spoilers, converting and uploading the files for others and somehow by the time I watch the actual episode everyone has moved on to the next episode and I'm once again avoiding the spoilers for that one! Hee!

You'll always be part of fandom as long as you enjoy it and it's wonderful to hear that writing for fandom is still giving you the creative outlet you need. When you're so wrapped up in work and family commitments everyone needs something that's just for them and when I am poking around fandom, I'm always pleased to see you.

Sep. 16th, 2012 08:19 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I guess. I just followed a link from another friend's journal, which made me curious, which had me searching, which resulted in finding an anon meme. Mental note: next time, leave it.

Yeah, you've got a point that so many other avenues to get information and show appreciation or share opinions are out there now as compared to when Show started. I haven't found another show I like quite the same, though. Or, well, maybe (I mean, let's face it), the truth is that I haven't found a hero more suited to my likes than Dean. Heh.

The reviews are there for whomever wanders by -- if you have a chance to read, yay! If not, you're still here and that's all that matters. :)

You'll always be part of fandom as long as you enjoy it and it's wonderful to hear that writing for fandom is still giving you the creative outlet you need.

Love this. :)

Thank you for the hugs. *sends them back to you times two*
(no subject) - el1ie - Sep. 17th, 2012 08:57 am (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 14th, 2012 12:17 pm (UTC)
Cheer up!
Hi Gaelic,

as Nong_Pradu wrote - some things are worth waiting and your fics are DEFINITLEY some of those things. Since I've started reading Supernatural fanfic (writing doesn't work so well, for I'm from Germany and no native speaker) you are one of my favorite authors and your fics made my day more often than I can count. I got them all as epubs on my cell and enjoy reading them wherever I want. So: Never mind silly comments and keep on writing when RL allows it. Claudia
Sep. 16th, 2012 08:19 pm (UTC)
Re: Cheer up!
Thank you so much, Claudia. I really appreciate you saying that and taking time to come over here to cheer me up. :) *hugs*

I hope to see you again soon!
Sep. 14th, 2012 12:53 pm (UTC)
I hate anon meme stuff ;> And I sympathize completely! Real Life may impact our time and energy for fandom... and the show itself may evolve and affect people's energy for fandom... and fandom itself can change and yadayadayada too!

For the record -- I know you're here! \o/ I'm glad you're writing, too, even if I don't read WIPs -- and might not even find your current project to my taste. ;D We'll see! I look forward to the musings on the personal/family front even more than on the fannish end of the spectrum.

And in the I want to hear about you vein:
- I still love SPN. Maybe not with the passion inspired by the first 2 seasons; for whatever reasons (maybe RL, maybe not) I'm not relishing participation in fandom or fic like I once did. But I still ♥ the show and the boys.

- My RealLife is churning with a lot of uncertainty and major changes right now. I feel like I'm holding my breath (for months), waiting for things out of my control to resolve themselves. Which mostly should before the end of the year, so there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Changing jobs, moving (and the stress of trying to sell a house for months, at a loss), dramatic family changes (Mom's in hospice now), and now a very very dear friend just told me her cancer is back (breast cancer metastasized to her brain) - again.

Most of these stressful things have corresponding good things coming into my life. So I'm really more happy than unhappy. I just feel sometimes like I can't quiet my brain and get it to stop fretting over things I can't do anything more about. (I'm sure you know the feeling!)
Sep. 16th, 2012 08:29 pm (UTC)
We're going on 8 years, here, y'know? I mean, that is a lot of energy and words and thoughts. It's inevitable that interest will ride waves. But we're surfing those waves.

I'm glad you're here. And that you know I'm here. ((BIG HUG)) It's totally possible you might not like my current story as well as others, and that's totally okay. That what's so great about writing and fanfic and fiction in general -- you can reach out and try different things (both reading and writing) and see if it fits you.

Okay, onto you:

- Ditto. I think I'll always <3 this show and our boys. I'm not as obsessive about it (even though I never miss an episode and stay up until 2am to review) as I was in the beginning, but I blame that on a combination of: kid, getting older, work, and show direction. Dean always brings me back. Time after time.

- OMG, I hear you on the breath holding. I'm sorry to hear about your mom; I can't imagine that is even close to an easy or peaceful situation for your heart and your lives. And I'm so, so sorry about your friend. *rubs heart* Our friends are our chosen family and to me, they're almost more important than my actual siblings in some cases. I am sending you light as I know you'll need a surplus as you deal with these situations.

Things have never really been smooth on the health front in the 11 years I've been married -- we have had good times, lots of them, but never long enough that I'm able to take them for granted. If there's one thing I've learned its that this moment, right now, can and will change before you're ready and you have to figure out how to regroup and gain your balance. Never lean on a moving object.

When things get better, at first I feel like it's the fake ending of a horror movie. I only *think* the bad guy's dead, y'know? Then as they stay better for a little while longer, I am unable to enjoy it because I'm holding my breath, waiting for the shift back to the Land of Unending Struggle.

But one day, my friend, we will be able to take a deep breath and know that everything is okay. Well and truly okay.

Most of these stressful things have corresponding good things coming into my life. So I'm really more happy than unhappy.

I love that you said this. This is wonderful, and I'm going to hang onto that as I sit in my house with my feet up, my girl tucked up against me watching Good Luck Charlie, my guy playing a strategy game on his computer, our dogs sleeping in a pile at our feet -- it's not all bad, Gaelic. See? There is more happy than unhappy. :)

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( 67 Tall Tales — Tell Me A Story )

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