Gaelicspirit (gaelicspirit) wrote,

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the footprints of song lyrics

I suppose you could say that I'm rather impressionable when it comes to music. I can't write without it. And sometimes, it's the only thing that motivates me to do the things that must be done... y'know, like cleaning the house.

I survived a weekend putting some pieces of my family back together -- from 500 miles away *sigh* -- and this morning I listened to Silhouettes by Smile Empty Soul and hear things like "I don't wanna live like my mother, I don't wanna let fear rule my life... I don't wanna live like my father, I don't wanna give up before I die..."

Wow. *shivers slightly*

I'm in a weird place today. I changed the look of my journal. Change my song list. Even changed the clothes I originally put on. But I can't seem to shake this feeling of... being off. I had to take Mo Chuisle to the doctor's this morning to get tested for a UTI -- she had to have a catheter put in briefly for it and she just killed me with the look of "help me" and that lower lip. 

We listened to Staind's Zoe Jane on the way back to daycare. Because I couldn't bring her home and still work. And I had to work. Argh.

I'm also struggling a bit with the hubs as he searches for something that makes him happy. Because I'm not a big enough person to be everything to him. And I have things outside of him that bring me joy. So, I think he needs the same thing. I just don't know how to help him.

I was also wandering through LJ a bit ago and saw a post by dodgerwinslow, a phenomenal writer who puts me to shame. I saw that she said she was working on making her latest update perfect -- even rewriting a particular conversation between characters several times until she was satisfied with it. That seriously gave me pause because... I don't do that.

Essentially, what I post is a first draft with corrections. The only time I've done more than tweak something here or there is when I've been asked to for a zine. I started to think... if she is so good -- and she is -- and this is what she does, should I be doing things differently? Am I short-changing those who sacrifice their free time to read my stories by simply letting the words fall from me and hit the page?

That thought has had me halting a bit over the creating of Hear No Evil chapter 3. I never really wanted to do more than tell a story and hope to entertain. But am I not doing it as good as I should be?

*head spins*

Now Dishwalla's Angels or Devils is on. Could there be a more appropriate song for a sudden onset of mixed emotions? Okay, I better get back to work. And maybe grab some caffeine to help me cheer the hell up. 

This mood is getting sad.

*shakes it off*

edited to say: *HUGS* to flist. I was in a really weird place today, as I said above, and this moment of weakness and self-doubt blossomed from that. You guys have been fantastic helping me see my way clear back to where I started from, where I need to be. So, I thank you for that.

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