Gaelicspirit (gaelicspirit) wrote,

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Stream of Consciousness, episode 4.21 review

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen…” – Hebrews 11:1

I don’t know about you, but I’m putting an awful lot of faith in Kripke’s maniacal little hands. I gotta tell ya’ll, I’m in this for the long haul. No matter how much it tears me up to watch, I have to know what will happen to these brothers—what will happen to Dean.

And I really, really hope that you will stick with me.

This is longer than usual. Hope that’s okay.

*takes a breath*

Here goes nothin’…




In every good story there is a moment when you, the reader, viewer, observer, aren’t sure if your hero is going to defeat the evil he’s been pitted against. Be that an external evil or an internal evil. It adds a level of drama and tension that makes everything that came before it seem simply preparation and everything after it seem like a reward.

The moment can last for an instant’s hesitation of doubt, or for a lifetime of misguided choices. Take Darth Vader for example. And yes, I’m sorry, but somehow life always seems to slip back to Star Wars for me. Vader spent about 25 years (depending on how old Luke and Leia actually were in Jedi) succumbing to his evil. But in the end, he defeated it. In the end he reclaimed his humanity, became Anakin once more, reunited with his son.

We’re in that moment now, folks.  And both boys are up against evil. And it’s an individual fight—there was no way they could face this moment together. Not after all that has happened this year. Which crushes me and makes me straighten my back bone at the same time. ‘Cause it’s in these moments when our heroes find out what they’re truly made of. It’s the journey through these moments that help to turn them into the person they were truly born to be.

Last random thought before I head into my episode-driven stream (because I’m still reeling a bit)… there is a scene in The Basketball Diaries that I simply couldn’t get out of my head while watching. It’s the moment when, strung out on whatever drug he’d become addicted to, Jim Carroll (played by Leo DiCaprio) is outside his mother’s apartment. She’s locked the door on him and is on the other side, leaning against it. He is sobbing, pleading, begging her to let him in. He just needs a little more. He tells her how much it hurts—physically hurts him—to not have it. Calls her ‘Mommy’ beats on the door, sinks to the floor.

She doesn’t let him in. She is crying silently on the other side of the door, listening to her son beg her to make the pain go away, and she doesn’t let him in. She calls the police instead and they come and drag Jim away to jail while he shouts obscenities and curses back at his mom for denying him shelter and help. Thing is, though, as bloody hard as that was for her to do, she did help him. He went through the most intense, wicked, painful detox of his life in jail, but he came out on the other side clean.

That scene almost destroyed me—even before I became a mother.

This episode pretty much finished the job. Oh, and before I forget? BIG props to Kripke for a well-chosen episode title. Not only an amazingly awesome Zeppelin song, but the lyrics are rather on-target.

If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break,
If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break,
When The Levee Breaks I'll have no place to stay.

My take? The Levee? Is their bond. The bond between Sam and Dean. *shrugs*

I liked that we picked up right where we left off from last week. I hope that they do that next week, too—since I had to download it, I wasn’t able to see previews. Sam is looking helplessly around the panic room, still unable to believe that his brother would do this to him. Dean slides the window open and peeks through.

Sam demands to be freed and Dean says not until he dries out.

 “You’re turning this into some kind of DRUG intervention?”

“If it smells like a duck…” (okay, that made me quirk a small smile… someone watches Monty Python)

Sam says he’s not addicted to the blood, that he’s drinking it to get strong enough to kill Lilith—that killing Lilith is what matters. Then his face twists into a sneer and he mocks Dean with a, “Or are you so busy being righteous you forgot about that?”

“You just bought yourself a bench warmer seat for the apocalypse.”

Something I noticed throughout this whole episode—Dean’s voice. It was always a barely controlled…something. It ranged from a slight tremble, to ragged and rough, to full-on tremble. As if beneath the first layer of his skin was such an enormous amount of emotion, a fingernail could scratch it free. I don’t think I took my hand away from my heart the entire episode. He made me hurt.

Dean walks resolutely away from the panic room, a look of complete pain on his face. When Sam bellows, “DEAN! LET ME OUT OF HERE!” you can just about hear Dean’s heart break as his eyes flash up to the camera.

As we dive further into this story I have to say that this episode was truly hard to watch. I’m sure for all of us, for different reasons. Some simply because these boys have gotten under our skin and we quite literally care about what happens to them. Some because we can see parallels (minus the supernatural element) to our own lives or our own situations. Regardless of what it is, to me at this point it doesn’t matter if you’re a “Deangirl” or a “Samgirl” – they are both suffering and they both think they’re doing the right thing and they’re both being influenced from outside forces and they’re both being torn apart.

As they said in War Games the only way to win is not to play. But they’re too far down the rabbit hole to back out now. I just hope… *swallows hard*

ANYWAY, back to the story.

Sam sitting in panic room sweating, blurry vision, dizzy, weak…  He tries to open the door, hands shaking… he sees his breath, the lights flicker…

“Guys! Get down here something’s come—“

Suddenly Alistair is standing there. “Looks like I have you all to myself… how will we pass the time…”

Sam strapped down to the torture table similar to how Dean must have been… Alistair disemboweling him… Sam begging him to please stop… Man, did this hurt to watch! This was not a tingly, pain-is-sexy feeling. Because the next thing you see is Sam just screaming on his bed alone, in pain, and no-one is there… But you know he’s not imagining that pain. You know that pain is real for him.

Dean and Bobby are upstairs drinking stiff shots of whiskey and listening to Sam scream in pain. Dean looks, in a word, tragic. I can’t imagine how that had to have felt. To know that you were knowingly causing your loved one that level of pain. To feel so strongly that you were doing the right thing you don’t go down and stop it. You don’t give in.

I wouldn’t be that strong. My Mo Chuisle cries for merely a minute and I’m off to hold and comfort her. I advise my parents to cut my youngest sister off because she’s siphoning their life’s savings while she slowly kills their spirit with her life choices… yet, I’m not the one that has to close that door. I’m not the one that has to turn my back on my sibling’s need—be it real or imagined.  That is a path I hope with all my heart to never have to travel.

“How long is this going to go on…” Dean asks, with that barely-suppressed tremble.

Bobby says as only Bobby can: “Let me look it up in my Demon detox manual—oh, wait… no one ever wrote one…”

Then he chills me by saying, “No telling how long it will take or if Sam will even live through it.”

Dean turns away and the phone rings. It’s Rufus. Too bad we didn’t get a little “Captain Fuller” face time, but at least we know Rufus is still alive… maybe there’s hope for him to come back in Season 5.

“Suck dirt and die, Rufus. You call me again, I’m gonna kill ya.” (ha! – Made me think about his automatic reply to Dean in Lazarus Rising)

Rufus calls back, though, apparently not fearing Bobby’s wrath as much as he feared what he had to tell Bobby and after listening, Bobby looks scared.

Back to Sam in the panic room and he’s coming back to himself, panting, shaking, and realizing that nothing was happening to him (physically). As he sits up and looks around, he first hears and then sees… himself. At 13 or 14. It’s the same YoungSam from After School Special and Supernatural Christmas… only his hair is darker. Not sure what’s up with that. YoungSam says that yes, he’s hallucinating and confirms that yes, Sam is definitely losing his mind. Cocky little guy, Sam was.

Sam demands to know what YoungSam wants.

“An explanation. I thought we were going to be normal.”

“I tried. I did. It didn’t pan out that way. Sorry kid.”

During his conversation with… himself… Sam mentions Jessica for the first time in what literally feels like years. To be honest, I wondered if she still had anything to do with his all-encompassing drive to kill Lilith. I thought it was out of revenge for sending Dean to Hell—I mean, that’s why he started going after her in the first place. He couldn’t save Dean, couldn’t rescue him, couldn’t deal for him… so he decided to hunt for Lilith. And that obsession took over everything else. So, I was surprised and kinda pleased that he mentioned Jessica.

Then YoungSam had apply the thumb screws by saying that she died because Sam left with Dean and if he’d been there, he would have been able to protect her. Which, I don’t believe—I think Sam would have been taken by Azaezel and Jess would still have died, but when you have guilt it eats at you and twists and turns things inside of you until they are black and vicious.

Sam gets a little hard on himself saying the life doesn’t turn out the way you want it to when you’re 14. Grow up. Sam’s starting to look rough around the edges. Sweating, pale, barely able to control the shakes. YoungSam is like, maybe you’re right. Maybe there’s no escape. After all, how can you run from what’s inside you. And then his eyes turn yellow.

Yellow, huh? Not black. Hmmm… maybe because Azaezal was the first to give him demon blood? Yellow is probably a different level of hierarchy in the demon org chart.

Back upstairs with Bobby and Dean, Bobby is handing Dean a paper and revealing what Rufus told him on the phone. Apparently, seals are breaking fast and Bobby wonders where the hell Dean’s angel pals are. And here’s where I got a little frustrated with Bobby. I saw his reasoning, I did. And I didn’t disagree with him, either. But, man, Dean needs SOMEONE on his side. Not just “Heaven” and all of its mysterious ways. Someone he can reach out to, hold on to. Someone to back him up.

Anyway, Bobby wonders if now is the best time to be drying out Sam since he can kill demons – the apocalypse being “nigh” and all.

Dean growls, “Sacrifice Sam’s life, his soul for the greater good??” His voice does that tremble thing again and I found myself in awe, once again, of Jensen.  I mean, he was so on edge this whole episode, but a restrained on edge. Sam was in a balls-to-the-walls full-on freak-out, which was impressive in its own right. But Dean’s quiet shimmer of desperation just dug a furrow in my heart.

Bobby’s argument back to Dean’s denial is that maybe Sam’s here right now instead of on the battle field because we love him too much. *gut punch*

Back to Sam and he’s panting and sweating and pale and blurry-eyed and seeing water but hurts too much to get up and go over there. *whimper* I don’t want it to sound like I didn’t feel for him—I did. He was so obviously in so much pain and he was so confused and broken and I just wanted to make it stop for him. But the bad part was… he chose to do the thing that landed him here. And I don’t know what to do with that. I never have.

No matter whom it is making that choice.

Next ghost/vision to visit Sam is Mary, in her white nightgown, stained with blood across the belly. Here’s where I couldn’t tell if we were seeing Sam’s imagination or if there really was something demonic at work there—something about the blood in him causing manipulative visions and not just his own conscious at work. Mary, looking amazingly unchanged (which, seriously? Is amazing. I mean, look at how much the boys have changed over the last 4 years. Mary looks exactly the same—with the possible exception of some hair issues).

Her eyes soften and she kinda shakes her head with a, “ Sam. You look just awful.”

“Let’s hear it. Go ahead. You’re disappointed, you never thought I’d turn out this way, I’m a piss-poor excuse for a son, your heart is broken.”

Mary says he’s not close, says that he’s doing the right thing – that he’s brave and that he’s being practical. Says she’s proud of him. Says Dean doesn’t understand. I just had to swallow as I watched because I really, really didn’t know what to do with this scene. I mean, I get that it was a way for Sam to justify the choice he was making to drink demon blood and a way to build him up as the one to stop the apocalypse, but it just didn’t feel like something Mary would say—especially the part about Dean being weak—but then again, that would make sense if Sam were working this on himself.

Mary sits down and says she was raised a hunter and they she knows there are going to be hard choices—yes, their family is cursed… tells him that Sam has the power to turn it against them for justice. She touches his face, strokes back his hair, just as a mother would do. And he leans into her hand just as Dean did in WIAWSNB. I just ached for him, never having known her, having only seen her in pictures or as a spirit. I know he so wanted to believe her and wanted her to tell him that he was okay, everything is okay.

“What’s in me?”

It’s evil and he knows it.

“What if it’s stronger than me?”

Mary says that Dean can never know how strong Sam is because he is weak. He’s terrified. He’s in over his head. I can’t help it. My hackles rose at that. The angels haven’t said that Dean is strong enough—just that he is destined to stop what he started. I want someone to remember all that Dean has carried, all he has survived, all he’s sacrificed for the sake of his family. If that’s not strength, I don’t know what is.

“You have to kill Lilith.”

“Even if it kills me?”

Mary tells him to make her death mean something. “I’m counting on you. Don’t let anyone or anything get in your way. Not even Dean.” And right then I knew that this could only end in tears. Ours.

She holds him, kisses him, and Sam looks broken. Just destroyed, weighted down. He looks around and he’s alone again.

We’re out in Bobby’s lot with broken cars. Dean is outside looking desperate. Cas shows up. Dean says he’s been screaming himself hoarse for two hours and man, does his voice sound like it. He sounds almost as bad as he did after Alistair nearly killed him. And that just… yeah, I don’t know what Jensen did to prepare for these final two episodes, but he rocked this one.

Dean wants to know what Cas was going to tell him in IL. Cas says that it’s not of import. “You got ass-reamed in heaven, but it was not of import?” Cas says he CAN’T tell Dean what he was going to say.

Dean wants to know if Sam can do it – kill Lilith, stop the apocalypse.

Cas says possibly. He’d have to take certain steps – consuming the amount of blood it would take to kill Lilith would change Sam forever – he’d become the next creature that Dean would feel compelled to kill. And fangirl hearts break wide open all over the world. Because we just knew Kripke was going to do this to us. I have thoughts about this, but I’ll save them until the end so I don’t forget the rest of the story as I’m writing this literally at Mach 10.

Cas says that Heaven believes it’s Dean not Sam that will stop the end of the world as we know it. The only question is whether Dean is willing to stand up and accept his role as the one who will stop it. Dean’s face is a story of regret and fear, hope and sorrow, pain and loss. His jaw tightens and his eyes bore into Cas.

“If I do this, Sammy doesn’t have to?”

“If it gives you comfort to see it that way.”

“You’re a dick these days.”

Dean steps away, takes a deep breath, says he’s in.

“You give yourself over WHOLLY to the service of God and his Angels?”

Dean looks pained once more. “Yeah, exactly.”

Cas makes him say it. Dean’s it at the end of his rope with this Heavenly Red Tape. He spits the words back out to Cas.

Cas makes him swear to follow God’s will as swiftly and obediently as he did his own father’s. At this Dean’s eyes go flat and he lifts his head a bit. You can see “you son of a bitch” written on his face. But you know, that’s kinda what God asks all of us to do. Just not in such a direct manner. Still, it’s the same. And that’s one trust fall that I don’t know if I have ever—maybe could ever—give myself over to.

So, now Dean waits and the angels call on him when it’s time. Back in the panic room, Sam is sitting against the wall, twitching. His veins start going read like his skin is splitting. He calls for help and Dean is upstairs listening, his heart visually breaking. It looks like he can feel every bit of the pain Sam is going through. And this next scene… man this curled up a lump in my throat more than the end even. Or maybe by the end I was just used to it.

Bobby scoffs at the news Dean apparently just shared with him. “You willing signed up to be the angels’ bitch? Sorry, you prefer sucker?”

Bobby wonders why Dean trusts the angels all of a sudden.

Dean’s like, Give me credit – I never trusted them less. What other option does he have? It’s either trust the angels or let Sammy trust a demon.

Dean hears the quiet and he and Bobby run down to the panic room and look in. Sam is writhing on the floor. Dean wonders if he’s faking, thinking (rightly so) that Sam would do anything. Suddenly, Sam is slammed against a wall and Bobby’s all “that ain’t faking.”

Dean and Bobby head in there while Sam is thrown against another wall. They grab Sam and hold him down. Bobby puts his belt in Sam’s mouth and Sam is seizing and choking and gasping for air. Dean’s just staring at him, scared and horrified and worried beyond all comprehension. I’ve seen one of my sibs in that state. Luckily I didn’t have to be the one to hold them down, but I remember wanting to wrap my arms around myself because I could swear I was about to break apart.

Bobby says that they have to tie Sam down for his own safety and has to yell Dean’s name to get his attention. Dean’s like, whatever, just get it over with. He’s so strung out about what Sam’s going through that he’s trembling. Sam wakes up and is handcuffed to the bed. Dean’s standing there saying they had to – the demon blood was flinging him all over the room.

“Why did you do this to yourself?”

“You know why.”

“Why? Revenge? For what? For sending me to hell? What’s the Point?”

AND turns out Dean isn’t there…  I didn’t see that coming. But now I see it was the worst of all visions that Sam had. The one that literally sends him over the edge. If there was any hope of detoxing him or convincing him this was not the way, it was lost the moment ImaginationDean took over in Sam’s head.

RealDean is upstairs and worried. Bobby asks one more time if they’re doing the right thing. Dean says the demon blood is killing Sam. And Bobby says, no, it isn’t. WE are.

Dean looks horrified.

“This cold-turkey thing isn’t working – if he doesn’t get what he needs, soon, Sam’s not gonna last much longer.”

Dean refuses to give him demon blood. If he dies, then at least he dies human.

ImaginationDean is in the panic room is taunting Sam – blood makes him feel strong. Your whole life you’ve felt different. Dean says you were always a monster and you only feel right when you’re sucking down more poison, more evil.

Meanwhile, RealDean is upstairs dancing a jig on my wounded heart. “I would die for him in a second, but I won’t let him do this to himself. I guess I found my line. I won’t let my brother turn into a monster.”

Oh. My. God. People, that’s the brother that we know. That’s the guy that went to Hell because he couldn’t let Sam die. That’s the kid that shrugged off anything other than what his dad dictated and his brother needed. Because he loves him. More than life. He would do anything to save Sam.

ImaginationDean is repeating the word “Monster” over and over and Sam’s like “Dean, no.”

It’s weird what we do to ourselves – what we imagine others think of us because of what WE think of us. Our own self image is projected across so much of what we don’t know. While real Dean is sacrificing himself once more for his brother, turning him inside out to save Sam, Sam thinks that Dean loathes him. And it’s so, so ugly how all of this culminates at the end. Ugly and unavoidable.

ImaginationDean goes on – I tried so hard to PRETEND that we were brothers, that you weren’t one of the filthy things we hunt. You’re nothing to me.

Sam – begging, panting – says in a broken, little-boy voice, “Don’t say that to me, don’t you say that to me.” I was immediately back to Season 1 with Sam’s “Don’t you say that, not you!” And Dean confessing that John and Sam were all he had. *gulp*

Sam looks around and Dean’s not there. God, I hope he realized that was all in his head. Sam falls asleep/passes out. When he wakes up and looks around, his shackles break open. He’s like WTF?? The door opens and he sits up carefully, calling out, unsure if it’s real or in his head.

He stumbles out and to the stairs, climbing them shakily. Cas has released him.  WHAT. THE. HELL?? Okay, so trying to find reason to this, I go to a couple places, since Cas tells Anna in the next scene that he was ordered to let Sam out. So, did the angels need Sam out so that he would fight Dean and basically remove any ties Dean has to here and now, even though he did give himself over wholly? Or… was it that if Dean failed the needed a plan B? I don’t get it. And I fear that we won’t get it this season. Which… grrrr.

When Anna shows up to Cas, she says that Dean was trying to SAVE Sam and that it was so much worse than they thought. Cas is really calm, but he looks sad. As if he regrets having puppet strings. Cas says, you really shouldn’t have come. Two angels show up, take Anna by the arms, and then a bright light and Cas turns away. So, apparently, Anna is back in Heaven? And by the look on Cas’ face, I’m thinking that’s not such a good thing for a former fallen angel.

Sam is trying to break into a car, but Bobby stops him with a shotgun. Sam looks AWFUL. I mean worse than we’ve ever seen him. Strung out doesn’t begin to describe it. And just like before, it wasn’t a blood-is-sexy look. It was an oh, God, what have you done to yourself.

“You won’t shoot me Bobby.”

“Don’t test me.”

“You won’t do it.”

Bobby puts the gun in Sam’s gut.

“You can’t do it.”

“We’re trying to help you, Sam.” Bobby is crying. I’m crying. Can you imagine what that had to feel like? To point a gun at a ‘kid’ you love as if he were your own? To know that he wasn’t possessed, either. This was Sam.

Sam moves the barrel of the gun to his heart. “Then shoot.” He’s crying. And I had to cover my mouth. Bobby can’t do it. So Sam grabs the gun and knocks Bobby cold, his face crumpling, then throws the gun down on top of Bobby. He hotwires a car and drives off leaving Bobby in the dirt.

Bobby and Dean open up the panic room to try to figure out how Sam got out. Room full of busted devil’s traps. They guess Ruby.

“How he got gone ain’t as important as where he got gone to.” Uhhh, that is nicely put, Bobby.

Dean hopes he’s with Ruby because killing her is the next big item on his to do list.

“I thought you were on-call for Angel duty.”

“I am, in my car on my way to kill the bitch.”

Bobby points out that Sam doesn’t want to be found, so he’s going to be damn-near impossible to find. Dean replies with a grim, well, we’ll see… and you KNOW he knows how to find his brother. He found him in no time flat after being in Hell, so… yeah. Bobby. Have faith, man.

Next thing we see is a NICE motel room, Sam sitting on a couch, twitching, shaking, pale, looking desperate. Knock at the door and it’s Ruby. Apparently he booked the Honeymoon suite. He knows Dean knows his habits, his alias, what he would do next, so he had to do what he wouldn’t do. If that makes sense.

Anyway, there’s some chit-chat along the lines of Ruby looking VERY happy to see Sam and saying she’s glad he was there, Sam asking her where the hell had SHE been, she says she’s sorry that Sam is hurting and she had no idea Dean would do that to him.

 “You and me, both.”

Really? I mean… really? They had no idea that upon finding out that his brother was addicted to something that was killing him (slowly, maybe, not physically, maybe, but it was destroying the Sam That Was), Dean would grab Sam up and lock him away where (hopefully) no one would hurt him and he could get Sam back to square one, control the situation, get him better? They had NO IDEA that Dean would do that?

Apparently Sam doesn’t know his brother very well, then. Because he did exactly what I thought he’d do. What I would have done.

 “You’re not sad that things have gotten this bad between you two?” Ruby asks… and almost sounds like she means it. Sam throws her on the bed, strokes her, pulls out a knife, cuts her arm and she smiles, then he dives on. *shudder*

Dean is doing something to the engine of the Impala – couldn’t see clearly. Bobby comes out and says they found Bobby’s car abandoned in Jamestown. Dean knows he’s changing up and asks if there were stolen cars in that area. Bobby’s like a Honda Civic that would blend and an Escalade that would stand out. Dean knows that Sam took the escalade and not the civic—knowing exactly what his brother would do even when he’s not doing what he would do. That sounded better in my head.

Ruby and Sam are in bed—somewhat dressed, but under the covers, so I’m assuming they enjoyed more than some blood suckage. Ruby says that Sam’s appetite is getting bigger. Sam straightens up with a “what’s that supposed to mean?”

She says he’s getting stronger, that’s all. Means he’s strong enough to kill Lilith. It’s looking more and more that they’re getting closer to the final seal and apparently only “Lucifer’s First” can break that seal. Apparently, Lucifer turned a human soul into the very first demon as a “screw you” to God – which is what got him locked up in the first place. And this is where I got very, very cold.

Sam is amazed that Lilith is the first demon. I know it would make sense for him to jump right to Lilith, but… I think they’re going to do something else. I am afraid… very, very afraid, that Lucifer’s First has something directly to do with Sam. Ugh… this is going to be a hard week to wait through.

Ruby says that she has a lead on someone who is part of Lilith’s entourage. She provides Lilith with babies to eat. ACK. Sam’s showered and changed and Ruby says he needs more than she can give him if he’s going to be strong enough to kill Lilith. Sam is sad, wishing Dean could just trusted him. He just hopes when all this is over that he and Dean can fix things.

You and me both, kid. Because I can see why Sam believes that his way is the right way and how freakin’ frustrated he must be to always have to do it DEAN’S way when he thinks that he got along okay (despite the soul-sucking grief) when Dean was in Hell. He just doesn’t see why the simple fact that he’s trusting a demon, that he’s mainlining demon blood to give him super powers, is not the best way to go. And he’s hurt that Dean refuses to even hear him out. I mean, I can see that in his eyes… but I still can’t cross that line. Sam’s just wrong in how he’s approaching this. And he’s breaking Dean’s heart… and therefore mine.

Bobby says the Escalade is about two hours away from Dean. He needlessly reminds Dean that finding Sam is about getting him back, not pushing him away. “Be good to him, you’ve got to get through to him.” Thanks Bobby. Because he needed just a teensy bit more pressure to push him forward. *sighs*

Sam leaves room hotel room just as Dean steps off the elevator and finds Ruby. He attacks with the knife and is fighting her, but Sam steps in and stops him.

“Just take it easy.”

Sam says he’s glad Dean’s here, let’s talk about this.

“Soon as she’s dead, we can talk all you want.”

Sam sends Ruby away and Dean is ANGRY – “Look at what she did to you! She leaves you for weeks at a time, strung out!”

“She was looking for Lilith!”

“That’s French for manipulating your ass 10 ways from Sunday.”

Dean is desperate – says Sam’s lying to himself. “I just want you to be okay. You would do the same for me. You know you would.”

Oh, God, boys. Seriously. We’ve come such a long way together. It’s been such a long, winding, painful road. And I know there’s no other way this could go. I know your paths have led you here and it’s make or break time, but after everything, after all that hell… I weep for you in these next moments.

“Just listen for a second. We got a lead on a demon that’s close to Lilith, come with me, Dean. We can do this together.”

Dean says that’s okay – as long as it’s just the two of them. Ruby is a deal-breaker. His face is so tense, his eyes so hot that I stopped breathing. I want that. Not him. Well, yes, him, but I want them just to be brothers again – tell the demons and the angels to stick it and go together, side by side, into the fray and take care of this TOGETHER once and for all.

But Sam can’t – he needs Ruby to help him kill Lilith. Maybe one day, Dean’ll understand. Sam says he’s the only one who could do this. Dean says no he’s not. Sam’s like right, I forgot – the angels think it’s you. He doesn’t think Dean can do it. He doesn’t think Dean’s strong enough. To which Dean’s like “yeah, so what?”

Sam says he’s doing what needs to be done. “Stop bossing me around! My whole life, you take the wheel, you call the shots, and I trust you because you are my brother. Now I am asking you for once TRUST ME.”

*breath held*

Dean looks grim and says no.  Sam doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Sam says he does know. And you can see where this is heading. They’ve foreshadowed the hell out of it. But I still wanted to put my hand over Dean’s mouth. I wanted to push Sam away. I wanted to step between them and shove my arms out and cry, “ENOUGH!”

Dean’s like, “That’s worse because it’s not something that you’re doing, it’s what you are.”

*heart pounding*

Dean chokes out, “It means…”

Sam, with tears in his eyes, turning him into a gigantic kid, says, “What? Say it.”

Dean is hardly breathing. His chin trembles along with his voice as he says, “It means you’re a monster.”

Dean is crying in his pure Dean way. Both eyes filled, one tear falls. Sam turns away and Dean’s lips quiver once more.

And then Sam BELTS him a good one and Dean goes flying. Sam is breathing hard as Dean gets up and Sam looks… evil, snarling almost as Dean takes quiet measure of his brother and then pounds his fist into his face. The fight is ON.

They are beating the bloody hell out of each other. It’s not controlled or choreographed. It’s not a more serious version of sparing practice. It’s desperate and it’s vicious and it’s raw and it’s painful. They are like to animals looking to tear each other up. Sam throws Dean and Dean breaks a mirror with his face, then Sam throws him through a table and Dean’s struggling to stay conscious.

THEN Sam starts choking him until Dean’s almost out and then breaks away. I didn’t see that coming. That was deliberate and harsh and just… well , scary.

“You don’t know me. You never did. And you never will,” Sam spits out as he releases his brother’s neck. His eyes are… flinty. It’s almost like we’re not looking at Sam anymore.

In a shattered voice, rough from being choked and ragged from panting breath, Dean repeats his father’s fateful words. “You walk out that door, don’t you ever come back.” All I can think with that, though, is that while Sam didn’t actually “come back,” he still reunited with John. And they connected. Those words actually, oddly, gave me a weird sense of hope.

Dean is broken, bleeding, on the floor, and Sam looks at him, a swift wing of regret ghosting his face, and then walks out. Dean can’t get up. He tries, but he’s hurting from the inside out and he simply rolls to his back and breaths roughly. Just before the screen goes black, I thought I heard a sob. Coulda been mine.

I know we have one more, but crimeny, people, I’m wrung out! I don’t know what they’re going to do with them next week—except that Dean has offered himself over to the angels and Sam will drink enough demon blood to change him into something he’s not.

The thoughts that skidded along my conscious about the brother’s ending this season at odds, though, is that it could make Season 5 rather epic. Unless The Powers That Be turn the boys into something other than human (which, I’ll still watch, because, let’s face it, I’d watch Jensen read the phone book, but I would MOURN the loss of my rough-around-the-edges hero), it could be a tense beginning with Dean searching for his brother, trying whatever means necessary to bring his Sam back. Get his brother back.

And I can only imagine the angst and tears if and when they are reunited. As they should be. As Kripke needs to make them be.

I have faith. I do. Faith that Kripke will fix this. Fix us.

Until next time… oh, and I’m saving the links just because it is tornado season after all and what happened yesterday could easily happen again.

Slainte, my friends.

Tags: stream of consciousness
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