Gaelicspirit (gaelicspirit) wrote,

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F13 Review (of sorts)

Okay, this short (for me) review totally exposes me as a Dean/Jensen girl to the extreme, but, I SWEAR I tried. I adore Sammy, I do, but...

*ahem* Spoilers for Friday the 13th...

..I'm just not a Jared girl. His lovable personality at cons and in interviews has me wanting to ruffle his hair, but he just hasn't sold me on his movies.

I mentioned that I'd been having a tough week, right? So, because he is made of awesome, the hubs brought home a copy of Friday the 13th and forced me away from the computer and onto the couch to watch last night. He watched with me, 'cause I love scary movies, but I still scream like a girl (into a pillow) when the bad guys jump out at you.

Plus? He'd also watched MBV with me (the non-3D on DVD version) and wanted to compare the boys' performances, he said. *raises amused eyebrow*

Okay, so I get that Jason is now a genre and that we were watching a slasher flick and there are certain things that are ALWAYS done in a slasher flick:

-- Must have boobs
-- Must have sarcastic, snarky, and/or witty teens (or what passes as teens... these were probably twenty-somethings)
-- Must have sex (displaying aforementioned boobs)
-- Must have darkness
-- Must have running, falling, looking over shoulder, running, falling...
-- Must have at least one naked death, preferably where boobs are visible
-- Blood, blood, blood, blood
-- Bad guy never runs but manages to kill EVERYONE (and in this one also totes their mangled bodies back to his lair before killing again -- all in the space of time it takes for witty teens to have aforementioned sex (seriously, people, either the lair is UNDER THE HOUSE or that's like the most ridiculously unrealistic sex ever...))

But seriously? There were more holes in this plot than Jason had in his mask.

It's not really worth pointed all of them out because the point of this movie was to scare the bejeezus out of you, not wow you with it's thought-provoking storyline. It had been a million years since I saw the first Friday the 13th, but I thought they took a clever approach to this one. They played up on the Mama Vorhees killing the camp counselors at Crystal Lake back in the '80's, but Jason apparently never drowned, so his mom gets decapitated, and hears her voice telling him to kill kill kill...

There were some spectacularly horrifying deaths -- being tied upside-down in a sleeping bag and hung over a fire ranks as probably the worst one for me -- and some rather predictable ones -- topless girl survives being run-down by a speedboat driven by her now-dead BF and hides under pier only to be stabbed in the head as Jason prowls above her.

There was the total tool (who really screamed like a girl) that you hoped would be the first to go but was unfortunately one of the last. There was the pretty waif who helped our hero that you thought for SURE would make it but died nearly at the end. My favorite character was the Asian kid -- didn't catch his name, either -- who had a wicked-sharp sense of humor and had me laughing from the moment I saw him. I was really pulling for him to make it and actually had to look away from the screen when he was killed.

Jared looked good -- but I kept forgetting his character's name. He just... well, he both LOOKED and ACTED like Sam. I was actually able to forget Dean while watching Jensen play Tom in MBV. Not so in this case. The puppy-dog eyes, the intense 'I must do the right thing even if it kills me' expression, the 'it's okay, I've got you' savior complex... yeah, it was all there. Nice to watch, but it was like... seeing Sam survive a MotW episode without Dean. *shrug*

Sadly, Jared kept his shirt on the whole time, but, man alive is that boy built. And when he went head-to-head with Jason I thought it was a fairly decent fight.

The end had a totally cheesy line from the damsel-in-distress-turned-heroine: "Say hi to Mommy... in Hell." Really? I mean... really? At the end, Jared and his sister are the only ones left alive (predictably -- body count was 11 if you don't include Jason and his Mama), and he rolls the body into the lake, the drops the hockey mask and locket (that represented Jason's mom and was the only way the sister was able to 'control' Jason and keep herself alive all that time) in after it.

My hubs spoke up and said that if Jared had learned anything from his other job, he would have salted and burned the body. HA! He was right, though, because we get that expected end-of-horror-movie so-you-thought-it-was-over scare where Jason (with hockey mask on) blasts through the bottom of the pier and reaches for the sister. This is, of course, after he's been hung and strangled by a chain, stabbed through the chest by a wicked-looking machette, and had the back of his head cut into by a wood chipper.

All things any decent psychotic bad guy should be able to survive.

So, in conclusion? If there is one? Of the two slasher flicks that the boys made over that same summer, the hubs and I agree that My Bloody Valentine was the better movie. Had all the same elements as mentioned above, but the storyline was better, the baddie wasn't clear-cut, and the tension was higher.

Here are my thoughts on that movie posted back in, I think, Feburary:

NOW, they each need to make something with more substance, less gratuitous blood, and where THEY take off their shirts more than the female characters. *wink*
Tags: movie reviews
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