So, I am supposed to be away from the computer tonight. I made a deal with the hubby that I would be computer-free for two nights a week. But we just watched a movie that we literally stumbled upon and I'm a bit tangled up by the thoughts it's produced in me. So... I snuck into the office to write this in the dark. Shhh.
I grew up with very defined lines drawn around "right" and leaving "wrong" out in the cold. It was hard being gray in a black and white world. This war has left me with feelings so conflicted that I basically shut them off. I love our country, I admire and respect our soldiers. I hurt for them and pray for them and am grateful for them. I need them on that wall. The world needs them there.
But I don't understand what we're doing over there anymore -- it's not that I don't agree with it, I simply don't understand. I am not educated in the why's. And I am worried about who it is coming home inside of the bodies of the soldiers we send over there. This movie showed a side to normalcy that was frightening in its blankness. An acceptance of violence acted upon another that I couldn't wrap my mind around. And the movie claimed that this happened because of what the soldiers go through "over there."
I have no way of knowing if that is true, but the concept frightens me. We are born as someone and life changes us gradually into someone else. Unless we are confronted with an event so powerful the change happens rapidly and our psyches cannot absorb it all. Who do we become then?
I think about my baby girl and the world she is growing up in. So different from the world of my youth, which was so different from the world of my parent's childhood. And my grandchildren will grow up in a world different from now. I suppose without the conflict of now we'd never know the peace of tomorrow.
But there was a line in that movie that will probably haunt me for awhile. "Heros shouldn't be sent to a place like that." Rather than the conflict turning a man into a hero, this movie claims that the conflict stripped a man of all hope of heroism. I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me.